To all who knew Joe and/or have admired his strength and bravery:
Thank you for all of your support and love, but unfortunately Joe will no longer be updating his Blog. After an arduous and insurmountable battle, Joe has claimed his reward in heaven.
Though Joe may live in our hearts, he will be truly missed. Be joyful for he has found true happiness in his new life.
For more information, please contact his sister Sarah at sjesena@gmail.com. Also, please mention how you knew Joe. With sincere thanks.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Oh, The Agony
It was NOTHING like the two thorasentesis I had before. The pain after the procedure would normally wear off within 2-4 hours, but this has so far lasted past 12 hours and at a higher pain grade. To top it all off, I ran out of my primary pain medication and was a huge hassle to get another bottle.
As for taking video of the procedure, we did, until one of the medical directors came in and confiscated my SD card. Apparently, the management wants to know before you start filming anything in the hospital. I deleted the video files just for that day - since that's what I excepted him to do anyways, but to also relieve some fault of responsibility to the nurses and the doctor that allowed us to film it. It was some really awesome footage of the best very high-tech procedure rooms I've ever seen. This was at UCLA's new Ronald Regan hospital.
A little over a litter was removed again, but this time through the new catheter. This now makes 3 implants in my body.
And did I mention it HURT?!?! The majority of my left side hurts and also whenever I take in a deep breathe - I can feel the pain coming from my insides.
I was told that I have to drain the plural space everyday for a couple weeks or so...and hopefully it'll be much better at that point.
I guess one good thing that happened today is my purchase of Crysis Warhead - a computer game that I've been waiting for for quite a while. My next "absolute-must-have" game would be "StarCraft II" which should hopefully be released by years' end.
As for taking video of the procedure, we did, until one of the medical directors came in and confiscated my SD card. Apparently, the management wants to know before you start filming anything in the hospital. I deleted the video files just for that day - since that's what I excepted him to do anyways, but to also relieve some fault of responsibility to the nurses and the doctor that allowed us to film it. It was some really awesome footage of the best very high-tech procedure rooms I've ever seen. This was at UCLA's new Ronald Regan hospital.
A little over a litter was removed again, but this time through the new catheter. This now makes 3 implants in my body.
And did I mention it HURT?!?! The majority of my left side hurts and also whenever I take in a deep breathe - I can feel the pain coming from my insides.
I was told that I have to drain the plural space everyday for a couple weeks or so...and hopefully it'll be much better at that point.
I guess one good thing that happened today is my purchase of Crysis Warhead - a computer game that I've been waiting for for quite a while. My next "absolute-must-have" game would be "StarCraft II" which should hopefully be released by years' end.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Getting Another Catheter Installed
Tomorrow I'll have a Pleurx Catheter installed for me to easily drain the fluid around my lungs. It's similar to the way they do the a thorancentesis, but it requires a different kind of doctor.
While I'm getting the procedure, they're going to drain another 1000cc of fluid that has accumulated since my last thorancentesis - that's about 2750cc of fluid so far!
I actually had about 4 or 5 choices to deal with the fluid build-up - one would have involved not-so-minor surgery, which I did not want. Going the catheter route seemed the easiest and less painful method.
While I'm getting the procedure, they're going to drain another 1000cc of fluid that has accumulated since my last thorancentesis - that's about 2750cc of fluid so far!
I actually had about 4 or 5 choices to deal with the fluid build-up - one would have involved not-so-minor surgery, which I did not want. Going the catheter route seemed the easiest and less painful method.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
After The Procedure
The procedure went better than last time - not as painful. The worst part before was the sudden evacuation of the fluid which caused a painful pressure differential. This time I told them to do it very slowly, for my lungs to get used to it.
The total amount of fluid removed was 1000cc. Two weeks ago it was 750cc. If fluid keeps collecting, I just might need to get a catheter that I can drain myself.
If you want to see the actual procedure done on me, check this link out. It was taken by my Hi-Def camera, but obviously YouTube has certain bandwidth constrains so quality is just "OK".
The total amount of fluid removed was 1000cc. Two weeks ago it was 750cc. If fluid keeps collecting, I just might need to get a catheter that I can drain myself.
If you want to see the actual procedure done on me, check this link out. It was taken by my Hi-Def camera, but obviously YouTube has certain bandwidth constrains so quality is just "OK".
Thursday, September 18, 2008
ACk! Not Again!!!
Had another chest x-ray today at my weekly doctor's appointment for the clinical study that I'm in. It revealed even more fluid around my lungs than last time. I have an appointment for tomorrow for another thoracentesis. My oncologist thinks that this may happen again so he suggested that I get a semi-permanent catheter installed for me to drain the fluid myself. This will be done probably next week. All this is most-likely due to the cancer that has spread around my lungs.
The endoscopy that I had a few days ago went OK - everything looked basically normal from what the gastroenterologist could see.
I'll try and take my own video of the procedure (in High Def!) if they'll let me.
Here's a good resource that I found.
The endoscopy that I had a few days ago went OK - everything looked basically normal from what the gastroenterologist could see.
I'll try and take my own video of the procedure (in High Def!) if they'll let me.
Here's a good resource that I found.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
What's On My Desktop
Or rather, what's my desktop background?
This is currently my desktop background - character images from the game FFXI Online. I stole some images from another wallpaper but the two Red Mage images are direct game renderings of my own character. The complete Red Mage "Artifact Armor" Relic Set (sometimes called AF2 gear) took over a year to get and its one of the best armor sets in the game for the "Red Mage" job/class.
The desktop that I have at work shows a picture of the starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D; the one used in ST: TNG.
I've also had background images of Gixxer bikes before I bought the real thing. And let me tell you, it looks much better sitting in my garage than on display on my desktop.
This is currently my desktop background - character images from the game FFXI Online. I stole some images from another wallpaper but the two Red Mage images are direct game renderings of my own character. The complete Red Mage "Artifact Armor" Relic Set (sometimes called AF2 gear) took over a year to get and its one of the best armor sets in the game for the "Red Mage" job/class.
The desktop that I have at work shows a picture of the starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D; the one used in ST: TNG.
I've also had background images of Gixxer bikes before I bought the real thing. And let me tell you, it looks much better sitting in my garage than on display on my desktop.
Joe's New Tech Toy
I finally came to my senses and bought myself a Canon HF10 Camcorder. This thing captures both picture and video in AVC H.264 at 1080i! Wonderful high definition clarity! It arrived last week and have been playing around with it for some time.
I took some sample shots of me on my bike by the use of a newly purchased camcorder mount for sport-bikes. The one thing that I over-looked was that my windshield was smoked - and so that would mean the video would be darkened and distorted. You'll just have to see it [here] to see how bad it looks.
I also have a video of before and after of my recent endoscopy (they wouldn't let me actually take video of the procedure).
note: I'll be uploading the videos soon...
I took some sample shots of me on my bike by the use of a newly purchased camcorder mount for sport-bikes. The one thing that I over-looked was that my windshield was smoked - and so that would mean the video would be darkened and distorted. You'll just have to see it [here] to see how bad it looks.
I also have a video of before and after of my recent endoscopy (they wouldn't let me actually take video of the procedure).
note: I'll be uploading the videos soon...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Dinner With The BBTV Team
One of our talented Software Engineer - Miguel (the guy in the right rear of the picture). Decided to leave TandbergTV ("Part of the Ericsson Group"). This was just a celebration in his honor for all the hard work he's done. He's been there from the very start of Zetools (the company I used to work for) and on through with the 3 company acquisitions.
Two people who are not in the picture, but still part of the "Broadband Television Team" are: Joe Franzetta and Brian Ring.
Honerable mentions go to Qing Li and Kelly Taylor who used to be part of the BBTV software engineering team.
Come visit us often for lunch, Miguel...... =)
Two people who are not in the picture, but still part of the "Broadband Television Team" are: Joe Franzetta and Brian Ring.
Honerable mentions go to Qing Li and Kelly Taylor who used to be part of the BBTV software engineering team.
Come visit us often for lunch, Miguel...... =)
Friday, September 5, 2008
Thoracentesis
This is the procedure for removing fluid from the pleural space due to a pleural effusion. (I'm beginning to feel like a real doctor, lol)
I just had mine just a few hours ago. After prepping the surface of my back, they injected some numbing medication - lidocaine - in between some ribs where they would insert the catheter. In goes the catheter and ending up in the pleural space. They used an ultrasound machine to know exactly where the catheter is at in any moment. Then they start draining the fluid; first into 4 or 5 test tubes then to a large glass bottle to hold the rest. Total volume of liquid removed? 800ml! Yes, that's almost the same amount in a coke bottle! I could not believe it.
How did it feel? The insertion of the catheter and initial needle poke was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt a few minutes into the fluid being removed. As the fluid is being extracted, it creates a vacuum in the pleural space since there is nothing to replace the space that was being taken up by the fluid. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt that my lungs were being sucked in from the inside. That hurt so much, but it really would depend on how much fluid that was removed. It would take a few hours or so till my insides stretch out so that I wouldn't feel any pain.
Next, they're going to analyze the fluid to see what exactly it is and hopefully come up with a diagnosis on what caused this.
800mL! Geeez!
If you want to see what it looks like, click here. This is another guy getting the same procedure.
I just had mine just a few hours ago. After prepping the surface of my back, they injected some numbing medication - lidocaine - in between some ribs where they would insert the catheter. In goes the catheter and ending up in the pleural space. They used an ultrasound machine to know exactly where the catheter is at in any moment. Then they start draining the fluid; first into 4 or 5 test tubes then to a large glass bottle to hold the rest. Total volume of liquid removed? 800ml! Yes, that's almost the same amount in a coke bottle! I could not believe it.
How did it feel? The insertion of the catheter and initial needle poke was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt a few minutes into the fluid being removed. As the fluid is being extracted, it creates a vacuum in the pleural space since there is nothing to replace the space that was being taken up by the fluid. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt that my lungs were being sucked in from the inside. That hurt so much, but it really would depend on how much fluid that was removed. It would take a few hours or so till my insides stretch out so that I wouldn't feel any pain.
Next, they're going to analyze the fluid to see what exactly it is and hopefully come up with a diagnosis on what caused this.
800mL! Geeez!
If you want to see what it looks like, click here. This is another guy getting the same procedure.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
First Day Of New Treatment
I showed up for my first day of treatment - a phase 2 clinical trial meant for gastric cancer. Its in a pill form - of which I have to take 4 a day everyday for the next month or so.
Since this is a trial, I have to undergo several tests - unrine, blood, blood pressure, EKG, weight, etc... pretty frequently. I also have to keep a small diary of the medications I take, the time and date, and the side effects that happen.
I told my oncologist that I've lately been feeling tired and short of breath so he had be do a chest x-ray just to make sure everything was ok. To my surprise, there was a substantial amount of fluid around my lungs. I'm scheduled to have the fluid removed tomorrow. How you may ask they would do this? With a big long needle, of course! =0(
Since this is a trial, I have to undergo several tests - unrine, blood, blood pressure, EKG, weight, etc... pretty frequently. I also have to keep a small diary of the medications I take, the time and date, and the side effects that happen.
I told my oncologist that I've lately been feeling tired and short of breath so he had be do a chest x-ray just to make sure everything was ok. To my surprise, there was a substantial amount of fluid around my lungs. I'm scheduled to have the fluid removed tomorrow. How you may ask they would do this? With a big long needle, of course! =0(
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Stand Up To Cancer
Mark your calendars because this Friday (Sept 5) at 8PM PT/ET there is the "Stand Up To Cancer" 2-hour telethon on all major networks.
Stand Up To Cancer
More than 60 celebrities will participate in Stand Up to Cancer, a live fund- and awareness-raising television special that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC and CBS.
Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, Jack Black, Sheryl Crow, Ellen DeGeneres, Jennifer Garner, Diane Keaton, Rob Lowe, Sharon Osbourne, Keanu Reeves and Carrie Underwood are among the stars set to appear, it was announced Wednesday.
They'll join previously announced participants including Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson, Lance Armstrong, America Ferrera, Meryl Streep, Charlize Theron and Forest Whitaker.
The celebrities, along with network news anchors Katie Couric, Charles Gibson and Brian Williams, will deliver an evening of "edutainment," said executive producer Laura Ziskin, a cancer survivor who helped establish the event and the nonprofit group behind it.
Stand Up To Cancer
More than 60 celebrities will participate in Stand Up to Cancer, a live fund- and awareness-raising television special that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC and CBS.
Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, Jack Black, Sheryl Crow, Ellen DeGeneres, Jennifer Garner, Diane Keaton, Rob Lowe, Sharon Osbourne, Keanu Reeves and Carrie Underwood are among the stars set to appear, it was announced Wednesday.
They'll join previously announced participants including Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson, Lance Armstrong, America Ferrera, Meryl Streep, Charlize Theron and Forest Whitaker.
The celebrities, along with network news anchors Katie Couric, Charles Gibson and Brian Williams, will deliver an evening of "edutainment," said executive producer Laura Ziskin, a cancer survivor who helped establish the event and the nonprofit group behind it.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Confessions on...
...cheating the system.
It has been a very long and important interest of mine to experiment with and to create an artificial intelligence. I remember way back when I was about 14 or so I created a very primitive simulation of A.I. All it did was transform the input into a question. So for example if you gave the stimulus request of "I love to run", it might provide the response of "Why do you love to run?" Or if given "Are you a human or a computer", it might respond with "Why do you think I'm a human or a computer". Of course, this technique does not work in all instances. But it does the trick a good portion of the time.
Alan Turing, a leading computer scientist in his day (some say he actually created the discipline), poised a question that went something like this: "if you are, as a human, unable to determine if you are chatting online with another person or with a machine, and if you really were chatting with a machine, would that machine be then said to have consciousness and to think?" So called is the test named after him - the "Turing Test" (all computer science grads know what this is; if you are one and didn't know, shame on you). A machine is said to pass the Turing test (to have intelligence) if it can fool a human into thinking it was another human just by chatting with him/her. So in a way, he began the foundations of Artificial Intelligence.
Combining my interest in online gaming, specifically FFXI, AI, and my somewhat lazy nature, I decided to create a "bot" that would do the dull and repetitious tasks in the game. I made a bot that would kill mobs (monsters) to gain experience points as a way of "leveling up." I actually started botting in the game 2 years ago but interest dropped and then there was cancer. I've recently gotten back into it and the game as a way to keep myself busy.
Just recently I've made another bot that would transport players to other parts of the virtual world - for in-game money in exchange. A big problem to this type of bot is that it requires a lot of interaction with other players. People consider it cheating and is against the terms-of-use agreement of the game. If you're caught you could be reported to a GM (Game Master - law enforcers in the game world; in FFXI, they are hired by the company) and could possibly have the ban hammer dropped on you. So, it should be quite obvious to have a need of a good AI. Enter the world of online chatbots - bots available online for your chatting amusements (did you know that there is a "God" bot? Truly makes for some interesting confessions I would think). One of the most famous chatbot is ALICE. It has won the Loebner Prize several times over in the past and developed by Dr. Wallace who also developed AIML (dialect of XML containing LOTS of stimulus-response pairs). A site which hosts AIML files and makes available a web-service for processing chat requests, Pandorabots.com, was the key to my FFXI AI bot. A lot of time was spent on modifying the default set of chat requests and responses to contour to the lingo of the game. But not only that, the default set simulates an intelligent robot - and I wanted a simulation of an intelligent person. So if you were to ask it "Are you a real person?", it would respond with "No, I'm a real robot." This actually did happen in-game during testing of my bot. Fortunately for me, the other player thought it was being sarcastic and she responded with "was just checking sorry." I thought that was VERY funny. LOL. I keep modifying the AIML files whenever an inappropriate response is given. It's getting "smarter."
As far as I know, I'm the first person to integrate an external AI entity pretending to be a real person in an online virtual game that interacts with other online players (and that works decently). Most (if not all) of the bots in existence do not interact with other players; in fact, they avoid other players to avoid from getting caught. I eventually plan to confess my botting to a popular FFXI site, just hoping to get famous...or infamous (LOL) before I die. I hope word would then spread to other gaming sites that things like this is possible and is happening. I totally understand that dispersing this knowledge would initially have severe in-game social and financial consequences as more and more people would be doing this (can you say inflation?). How cool would it be to be the one responsible for single-handedly simultaneously crashing the financial markets of multiple virtual worlds?!?! My account would probably be canceled. And I imagine this idea would spread to other games. So I have to apologize to some friends and a cousin of mine who already play another MMORPG - "sorry to ruin the game for ya." LOL.
But seriously, I think it is a good thing in the long run. I believe it will spur innovations in online gaming AI and the AI community in general. Imagine playing an online game with a bunch of intelligent bots and not even know it! I predict that this will become reality in the not-too-distant future. It's like THE classic sci-fi film "Bladerunner" but in a virtual game world. Instead of the 'bladerunners,' you got the GMs to worry about. How would you be able to tell the bots apart from the real thing?
Go ahead and ponder on this for a moment. In the mean time, I'll continue on making virtual money while I sleep. LOL.
Now this is the ultimate application of the Turing test!
If you want to chat with my bot, you can go here. Go wild! =)
... be forewarned, the site keeps a log of your chatting!! And I can see them (but not from who, though)! LOL.
Edit: Ok, someone beat me to it: http://sl-devcorner.blogspot.com/2007/04/second-life-alice-bot-chat.html. Oh well.
It has been a very long and important interest of mine to experiment with and to create an artificial intelligence. I remember way back when I was about 14 or so I created a very primitive simulation of A.I. All it did was transform the input into a question. So for example if you gave the stimulus request of "I love to run", it might provide the response of "Why do you love to run?" Or if given "Are you a human or a computer", it might respond with "Why do you think I'm a human or a computer". Of course, this technique does not work in all instances. But it does the trick a good portion of the time.
Alan Turing, a leading computer scientist in his day (some say he actually created the discipline), poised a question that went something like this: "if you are, as a human, unable to determine if you are chatting online with another person or with a machine, and if you really were chatting with a machine, would that machine be then said to have consciousness and to think?" So called is the test named after him - the "Turing Test" (all computer science grads know what this is; if you are one and didn't know, shame on you). A machine is said to pass the Turing test (to have intelligence) if it can fool a human into thinking it was another human just by chatting with him/her. So in a way, he began the foundations of Artificial Intelligence.
Combining my interest in online gaming, specifically FFXI, AI, and my somewhat lazy nature, I decided to create a "bot" that would do the dull and repetitious tasks in the game. I made a bot that would kill mobs (monsters) to gain experience points as a way of "leveling up." I actually started botting in the game 2 years ago but interest dropped and then there was cancer. I've recently gotten back into it and the game as a way to keep myself busy.
Just recently I've made another bot that would transport players to other parts of the virtual world - for in-game money in exchange. A big problem to this type of bot is that it requires a lot of interaction with other players. People consider it cheating and is against the terms-of-use agreement of the game. If you're caught you could be reported to a GM (Game Master - law enforcers in the game world; in FFXI, they are hired by the company) and could possibly have the ban hammer dropped on you. So, it should be quite obvious to have a need of a good AI. Enter the world of online chatbots - bots available online for your chatting amusements (did you know that there is a "God" bot? Truly makes for some interesting confessions I would think). One of the most famous chatbot is ALICE. It has won the Loebner Prize several times over in the past and developed by Dr. Wallace who also developed AIML (dialect of XML containing LOTS of stimulus-response pairs). A site which hosts AIML files and makes available a web-service for processing chat requests, Pandorabots.com, was the key to my FFXI AI bot. A lot of time was spent on modifying the default set of chat requests and responses to contour to the lingo of the game. But not only that, the default set simulates an intelligent robot - and I wanted a simulation of an intelligent person. So if you were to ask it "Are you a real person?", it would respond with "No, I'm a real robot." This actually did happen in-game during testing of my bot. Fortunately for me, the other player thought it was being sarcastic and she responded with "was just checking sorry." I thought that was VERY funny. LOL. I keep modifying the AIML files whenever an inappropriate response is given. It's getting "smarter."
As far as I know, I'm the first person to integrate an external AI entity pretending to be a real person in an online virtual game that interacts with other online players (and that works decently). Most (if not all) of the bots in existence do not interact with other players; in fact, they avoid other players to avoid from getting caught. I eventually plan to confess my botting to a popular FFXI site, just hoping to get famous...or infamous (LOL) before I die. I hope word would then spread to other gaming sites that things like this is possible and is happening. I totally understand that dispersing this knowledge would initially have severe in-game social and financial consequences as more and more people would be doing this (can you say inflation?). How cool would it be to be the one responsible for single-handedly simultaneously crashing the financial markets of multiple virtual worlds?!?! My account would probably be canceled. And I imagine this idea would spread to other games. So I have to apologize to some friends and a cousin of mine who already play another MMORPG - "sorry to ruin the game for ya." LOL.
But seriously, I think it is a good thing in the long run. I believe it will spur innovations in online gaming AI and the AI community in general. Imagine playing an online game with a bunch of intelligent bots and not even know it! I predict that this will become reality in the not-too-distant future. It's like THE classic sci-fi film "Bladerunner" but in a virtual game world. Instead of the 'bladerunners,' you got the GMs to worry about. How would you be able to tell the bots apart from the real thing?
Go ahead and ponder on this for a moment. In the mean time, I'll continue on making virtual money while I sleep. LOL.
Now this is the ultimate application of the Turing test!
If you want to chat with my bot, you can go here. Go wild! =)
... be forewarned, the site keeps a log of your chatting!! And I can see them (but not from who, though)! LOL.
Edit: Ok, someone beat me to it: http://sl-devcorner.blogspot.com/2007/04/second-life-alice-bot-chat.html. Oh well.
Fun And Amusement
For a break from the regular news...
I was just watching the History channel just this morning and they had a piece on the evolution of the digestive system. How interesting, I thought. But what really knocked my socks off (if I had them on to begin with), was a machine that emulated the digestion process of a human - from start to, uh, ... end. They call it 'cloaca' and is considered (really) as a piece of art. So of course I just had to research more about this machine on google, just for the "how do they do it" answer, of course. LOL.
I came upon a website - I kid you not - www.poopreport.com. Boy did I get a laugh out of that. What was even better was their article of cloaca. The author is funny as he is articulate. A must read. =). Also read the comments - they're hilarious as heck.
Next, I came upon a you-tube video. Now this REALLY takes the cake. LOL. It sure made my day.
I hope you had a good laugh. I sure did.
I was just watching the History channel just this morning and they had a piece on the evolution of the digestive system. How interesting, I thought. But what really knocked my socks off (if I had them on to begin with), was a machine that emulated the digestion process of a human - from start to, uh, ... end. They call it 'cloaca' and is considered (really) as a piece of art. So of course I just had to research more about this machine on google, just for the "how do they do it" answer, of course. LOL.
I came upon a website - I kid you not - www.poopreport.com. Boy did I get a laugh out of that. What was even better was their article of cloaca. The author is funny as he is articulate. A must read. =). Also read the comments - they're hilarious as heck.
Next, I came upon a you-tube video. Now this REALLY takes the cake. LOL. It sure made my day.
I hope you had a good laugh. I sure did.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
New Treatment Protocol
I had two options for treatment: go on a phase 2 clinical study of a drug, or more chemo. My Onc recommended the phase 2 clinical trial (it was his study). He said that if that did not work that I can continue on with chemo but that I just couldn't take the clinical drug later on if I decide on not doing it now.
The drug doesn't have a name but has a code of GSk1363089 (XL880) - administered orally to subjects with metastatic gastric cancer. It is designed to inhibit the growth of blood vessels in tumors. It is hoped that by limiting the tumor's blood supply, we can limit the growth of the cancer cells. It is not approved by the FDA.
So that's it. I have to take this drug once a day for 2 months. They say it will have limited side affects (mainly tiredness and diarrhea). If this does not work then I go back on chemo (although a different one).
The drug doesn't have a name but has a code of GSk1363089 (XL880) - administered orally to subjects with metastatic gastric cancer. It is designed to inhibit the growth of blood vessels in tumors. It is hoped that by limiting the tumor's blood supply, we can limit the growth of the cancer cells. It is not approved by the FDA.
So that's it. I have to take this drug once a day for 2 months. They say it will have limited side affects (mainly tiredness and diarrhea). If this does not work then I go back on chemo (although a different one).
One Year Later...
I just realized that today is my first anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I remember it as if it was only a few days ago - very vividly. Things like this you really don't forget.
Now I'm headed to my oncologist to discuss my treatment options.... stay tuned.
Now I'm headed to my oncologist to discuss my treatment options.... stay tuned.
Thanks For The Emails
I've gotten emails from a lot of you and just wanted to say thanks.
I don't think I'll be able to reply to any of them soon just because I don't want to think about my situation a whole lot.
I've got a doctor's appointment later today to discuss my options for treatment. I guess I'll take it from there and post results after.
In the mean time, have a look at my trip pictures over the weekend at Niagra Falls...
I don't think I'll be able to reply to any of them soon just because I don't want to think about my situation a whole lot.
I've got a doctor's appointment later today to discuss my options for treatment. I guess I'll take it from there and post results after.
In the mean time, have a look at my trip pictures over the weekend at Niagra Falls...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The "BIG Talk"
So today is my chemo/doctor's appointment.
Me and my oncologist (with my family) went over my PET/CT scan results from last Thursday. I'm sorry to say that the results were not good. According to the scans, the tumors have grown to be highly visible on the PET with two definite spots on my liver. The really surprising thing is that a couple of small spots also showed up around the "plural lining of my lung" (I could be mis-quoting my doc). In short, the cancer has grown and spread. I'm "officially incurable" at this point, he added. Surgery and radiation are no longer options for me (because the cancer has spread). More chemo and clinical trials are whats next for me. He'll be changing my chemo from Taxotere since that didn't seem to have any affect on the tumor, although he doesn't know what it'll be yet. He'll present my case at his "tumor group" with other doctors next week to get some recommendations and I'll have a meeting with him next Thursday to go over my options.
How do I feel? I feel relatively calm considering the news. I've prepared myself very well, I think, but never thought of it going anywhere else but my liver. So yeah, that sucks. I've thought about it (receiving bad news) a lot for some weeks, actually, so its not totally unexpected. But I guess now it's reality for me and I'll just have to deal with it.
I didn't have chemo today (doctor recommended) and instead went back to work - I gotta keep my mind on something else.
Boy, now I'm really glad I bought that new bike.
Me and my oncologist (with my family) went over my PET/CT scan results from last Thursday. I'm sorry to say that the results were not good. According to the scans, the tumors have grown to be highly visible on the PET with two definite spots on my liver. The really surprising thing is that a couple of small spots also showed up around the "plural lining of my lung" (I could be mis-quoting my doc). In short, the cancer has grown and spread. I'm "officially incurable" at this point, he added. Surgery and radiation are no longer options for me (because the cancer has spread). More chemo and clinical trials are whats next for me. He'll be changing my chemo from Taxotere since that didn't seem to have any affect on the tumor, although he doesn't know what it'll be yet. He'll present my case at his "tumor group" with other doctors next week to get some recommendations and I'll have a meeting with him next Thursday to go over my options.
How do I feel? I feel relatively calm considering the news. I've prepared myself very well, I think, but never thought of it going anywhere else but my liver. So yeah, that sucks. I've thought about it (receiving bad news) a lot for some weeks, actually, so its not totally unexpected. But I guess now it's reality for me and I'll just have to deal with it.
I didn't have chemo today (doctor recommended) and instead went back to work - I gotta keep my mind on something else.
Boy, now I'm really glad I bought that new bike.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Another PET/CT Scan
Had a PET/CT scan yesterday. I'm refusing to know the results until my next chemo round (which will be next Tuesday). I wouldn't want to potentially ruin my weekend....
It was routine as usual, although the wait was much longer than I anticipated.
It was routine as usual, although the wait was much longer than I anticipated.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Bike Pix
Here's a few pix of my new bike...
Some mods I've put in:
1. H.I.D. Headlight 8000K temp
2. Puig Smoked Windscreen (I still got the plastic covering on it)
3. Shogun Frame Sliders
4. Stompgrips (Tank Grips)
5. SpeedoHealer from HealTech
6. Carbon Fiber Stickers on: Gauges, Gas tank cover, Tank
7. Rear Fender Eliminator (D.I.Y)
8. Pazzo 'Shorty' Racing Levers (navy blue w/ red adjusters)
9. GPS mount
10. Blind spot mirrors
Next upgrade would be a new exhaust...
Some mods I've put in:
1. H.I.D. Headlight 8000K temp
2. Puig Smoked Windscreen (I still got the plastic covering on it)
3. Shogun Frame Sliders
4. Stompgrips (Tank Grips)
5. SpeedoHealer from HealTech
6. Carbon Fiber Stickers on: Gauges, Gas tank cover, Tank
7. Rear Fender Eliminator (D.I.Y)
8. Pazzo 'Shorty' Racing Levers (navy blue w/ red adjusters)
9. GPS mount
10. Blind spot mirrors
Next upgrade would be a new exhaust...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Another Round Of Chemo
Just had another dose of chemo this morning....everything went quite normal except that I was quite nauseated even before the chemo started. Afterwards, I was drowsy as normal (from the benadryl). I had to take the day off from work today (also did the same yesterday) since I'm not feeling that well.
I spoke to the people at the doctor's office regarding my next PET/CT scan - they said they'll get back to me soon. I was supposed to have it two weeks ago and now I'm feeling kinda anxious.
Did you feel the quake this morning? I sure did! I was sitting in the chemo lounge getting chemo when it happened.
I spoke to the people at the doctor's office regarding my next PET/CT scan - they said they'll get back to me soon. I was supposed to have it two weeks ago and now I'm feeling kinda anxious.
Did you feel the quake this morning? I sure did! I was sitting in the chemo lounge getting chemo when it happened.
Friday, July 25, 2008
RIP, Randy Pausch
I just learned this morning that the famous 'Last Lecture' professor Randy Pausch had just passed away from pancreatic cancer. We'll miss you!
As for myself, I'm doing OK - I only seem to have problems the 3rd and 4th day after chemo (which is every other week). I'm still on supplemental feedings every night through my feeding tube. I stopped taking it for a while but I then started to lose weight so now I'm back on. I'm supposed to have another scan this week but they never called to setup my appointment. I'll have to give their office a call and check up about that.
Nothing much else to report other than I'm really enojoying my ride to work on my GSXR600 (when I'm on my off weeks from chemo, of course). I ride about 30 miles each way on the 405 and it sure beats being stuck in traffic with the cars - I usually end up on the car-pool lane or lane-splitting between cars. Its a huge time-saver for me.
As for myself, I'm doing OK - I only seem to have problems the 3rd and 4th day after chemo (which is every other week). I'm still on supplemental feedings every night through my feeding tube. I stopped taking it for a while but I then started to lose weight so now I'm back on. I'm supposed to have another scan this week but they never called to setup my appointment. I'll have to give their office a call and check up about that.
Nothing much else to report other than I'm really enojoying my ride to work on my GSXR600 (when I'm on my off weeks from chemo, of course). I ride about 30 miles each way on the 405 and it sure beats being stuck in traffic with the cars - I usually end up on the car-pool lane or lane-splitting between cars. Its a huge time-saver for me.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
A Day At The Track
A few days ago I took a day-long class at the "California Superbike School" where they teach the "Art of Cornering" for sportbikes. It was taught by Keith Code (founder of the school as well as author of the 'Twist Of The Wrist' book series) as well as his other instructors. The class that I attended was at the 'Streets of Willow Springs' race track (they also have classes that are on other tracks world-wide) - which is about an hour north of Los Angeles in what seems to be in the middle of the dessert. I was pretty impressed with the school and with how they dispersed their lessons - very effective. Although, I wish it was more track-time than classroom time. =)
The downside of it all I'd say was my crash on turn 14 (right before the straight-away) which happened as a result of me skidding out from going on the sand (my turn was too wide). I wasn't hurt (just a very minor sprain on my right wrist and a scratch on my pinkie). I rented out their full-body leathers and boots which worked really well. The bike (it was their bike that I rented), however, suffered cracks in the fairings which I had to pay for (big, big OUCH!). The other downside was that I had to leave early cuz of the extreme heat (remember, it was in the desert and I was in full leathers) and my body wasn't at 100% cuz of surgery. I missed a few hours of class but I think I got mostly what I needed from it.
The upside was that I learned to lean the bike enough to almost drag a knee on (I think) turn 4!
In all, I had a good time my first time on a track.
Changing subjects, I just might be on TV! Yup! I was shopping around the Burbank mall today when I apparently entered onto a set RIGHT when they were filming after exiting off the elevator to the third floor (the food court) in my motorcycle gear! They wanted me to fill out a release waiver (which I gladly did). I was like "what the hell is going on?!?". Now that I think about it, they might not use me in their video as I looked directly into the camera for about a second and cuz I looked out-of-place with my gear on. But what excellent timing on my part! LOL.
The downside of it all I'd say was my crash on turn 14 (right before the straight-away) which happened as a result of me skidding out from going on the sand (my turn was too wide). I wasn't hurt (just a very minor sprain on my right wrist and a scratch on my pinkie). I rented out their full-body leathers and boots which worked really well. The bike (it was their bike that I rented), however, suffered cracks in the fairings which I had to pay for (big, big OUCH!). The other downside was that I had to leave early cuz of the extreme heat (remember, it was in the desert and I was in full leathers) and my body wasn't at 100% cuz of surgery. I missed a few hours of class but I think I got mostly what I needed from it.
The upside was that I learned to lean the bike enough to almost drag a knee on (I think) turn 4!
In all, I had a good time my first time on a track.
Changing subjects, I just might be on TV! Yup! I was shopping around the Burbank mall today when I apparently entered onto a set RIGHT when they were filming after exiting off the elevator to the third floor (the food court) in my motorcycle gear! They wanted me to fill out a release waiver (which I gladly did). I was like "what the hell is going on?!?". Now that I think about it, they might not use me in their video as I looked directly into the camera for about a second and cuz I looked out-of-place with my gear on. But what excellent timing on my part! LOL.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
3rd Chemo Went Well
I had chemo yesterday - everything went well. Even my blood counts went up due to me taking Neupogen injections (inceases white cell count).
Today, however, I had to spend 4 hours in the emergency room to get another J-tube inserted into me (my other one fell out while I was shopping at Fry's). I tried inserting it myself after I got back home but it just would not go back in - and blood started coming out as I tried forcing it in. And yeah, it did hurt.
Live Strong.
Today, however, I had to spend 4 hours in the emergency room to get another J-tube inserted into me (my other one fell out while I was shopping at Fry's). I tried inserting it myself after I got back home but it just would not go back in - and blood started coming out as I tried forcing it in. And yeah, it did hurt.
Live Strong.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Chemo News
I had chemo again on Tuesday even though my blood counts were still low (white cells as well as other blood components were low). I'm taking injections of 'nupegen' to increase my white blood cells. So far so good - not much nausea as before (2 weeks ago) since I had a lower dose this time around. My oncologist also told me that he'll be changing my schedule to every other week to help with the nausea.
As for my new bike, I'm already at 100 miles on the odometer. So far I've installed HID lighting and frame sliders on the bike. =)
As for my new bike, I'm already at 100 miles on the odometer. So far I've installed HID lighting and frame sliders on the bike. =)
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Go Speedracer!
Well, I got my new bike today! =) .....and I absolutely LOVE it!
I test rode it and was totally amazed at its speed. It's acceleration is totally phenomenal! I rode it on the freeway and just a few seconds after entering the on-ramp I was already going 116. Acceleration was so high that my ass lifted off the seat and I had to grip the handle bars really tight just to keep myself on the bike! LOL. The only higher G's I've experienced would be roller-coasters. But, its just as much fun. =)
I'm actually glad I started off with a lower-end bike (Ninja 250). A 600cc sportsbike (or higher) is really too much bike for a beginner.
The downside is that now when I drive my car, it feels slower than before. =/
I test rode it and was totally amazed at its speed. It's acceleration is totally phenomenal! I rode it on the freeway and just a few seconds after entering the on-ramp I was already going 116. Acceleration was so high that my ass lifted off the seat and I had to grip the handle bars really tight just to keep myself on the bike! LOL. The only higher G's I've experienced would be roller-coasters. But, its just as much fun. =)
I'm actually glad I started off with a lower-end bike (Ninja 250). A 600cc sportsbike (or higher) is really too much bike for a beginner.
The downside is that now when I drive my car, it feels slower than before. =/
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My New Toy
As a belated birthday present for myself, I bought a new Suzuki GSX-R600 today! =) It's blue and white - the one I've been wanting for over a year and it's finally MINE! I had it delivered so its going to arrive tomorrow; I can't wait!!
The down side of getting this bike is that the insurance is insane! Complete coverage is four times as much as my car! But since the theft rate for gixxers are really high I think it must might be worth it. I also have lojack installed with the early warning system - any unauthorized movement will page my phone (and send an email). I think thats kinda cool.
As for my health, it seems that my blood counts are pretty low. When I went in for my chemo on Tuesday my oncologist said that they hadto cancel my chemo for this week cuz it was THAT low. The nausea last Thursday was pretty intense; good thing I have this week to recover (and actually enjoy my new bike!).
2008 Suzuki GSX-R600 Review
The down side of getting this bike is that the insurance is insane! Complete coverage is four times as much as my car! But since the theft rate for gixxers are really high I think it must might be worth it. I also have lojack installed with the early warning system - any unauthorized movement will page my phone (and send an email). I think thats kinda cool.
As for my health, it seems that my blood counts are pretty low. When I went in for my chemo on Tuesday my oncologist said that they hadto cancel my chemo for this week cuz it was THAT low. The nausea last Thursday was pretty intense; good thing I have this week to recover (and actually enjoy my new bike!).
2008 Suzuki GSX-R600 Review
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Chemo Continued
I started back on chemo (taxotere) today. Everything was pretty uneventful - went it went really smoothly. I was given benadryl so I slept most of the time I was there (about an hour and a half).
Nothing much more to report about, I'm doing well and no longer worried about the possible mets to my liver. I'm keeping myself occupied with lots of other stuff which helps me cope with that bad news. So far I've been watching lots of movies on and from Netflix ('Star Trek: DS9' and 'House, MD' as well as other stuff). I've also been shopping for motorcycle insurance since I'm pretty sure I'll be buying one soon (a Suzuki GSX-R600). So far the lowest I've been able to find is about twice as much as my car insurance. Yikes! The part that costs the most is the comprehensive and collision; it would only be around $300-$400 a year without these.
Nothing much more to report about, I'm doing well and no longer worried about the possible mets to my liver. I'm keeping myself occupied with lots of other stuff which helps me cope with that bad news. So far I've been watching lots of movies on and from Netflix ('Star Trek: DS9' and 'House, MD' as well as other stuff). I've also been shopping for motorcycle insurance since I'm pretty sure I'll be buying one soon (a Suzuki GSX-R600). So far the lowest I've been able to find is about twice as much as my car insurance. Yikes! The part that costs the most is the comprehensive and collision; it would only be around $300-$400 a year without these.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Doctors, Doctors
I got my voice partially fixed yesterday (if you didn't know, my voice has been hoarse since surgery). What they did was inject (through my neck!) some collagen in my left vocal cord since it no longer moves (most likely damage from surgery from what I was told). Boy, it was a really weird sensation talking for 30 mins after the injection. The solution is only temporary, lasting about 3 months and if my voice hasn't gone back to normal by then I'll need to get another operation to fix it.
Today I had a meeting with my oncologist (as planned). He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but just tried to comfort me a little saying that it was way too small to even see on the CT and only visible on the PET scan. I'll start chemo next week. In about two months I'll have another scan.
Today I had a meeting with my oncologist (as planned). He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but just tried to comfort me a little saying that it was way too small to even see on the CT and only visible on the PET scan. I'll start chemo next week. In about two months I'll have another scan.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
PET/CT Scan Results
I saw the images on the CDs and read the radiology report. I read it multiple times just to make sure. It's not good news at all. According to the report, "there are three new hypermetabolic liver lesions..., highly suspicious for metastatic lesions". To say the least, I'm quite upset and felt nauseous immediately after reading that sentence. It makes me wish that I didn't read the report at all, and instead waited until my oncology appointment. I just had surgery two months ago to remove it and now it's back?!?!?
My oncology appointment is on Tuesday so I'll have a long talk with my oncologist about this.
My oncology appointment is on Tuesday so I'll have a long talk with my oncologist about this.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Back To The ER
I woke up this morning with extreme pain around my J-tube area - I've been having this pain for about 4 days now but nowhere as bad as today. I also noticed a day or two ago that there was a few drops of blood also around that area (as well as some puss) but didn't think nothing of it since it wasn't exactly gushing out (and one of my nurses said not to worry about it). But now I'm starting to really worry since the pain has increased and the tube appears to be stuck - before it could easily be pushed into or pulled out of my abdomen.
I lucked out this time - there was no waiting line for the ER when I arrived, Yay! I immediately got a room but still had to wait a while for a doctor to come and see me.
After an abdominal x-ray and an ultrasound with some blood tests, it was confirmed that my J-tube area was infected. More antibiotics for me....yuppie! They also replaced the J-tube which hurt like hell. =(
I lucked out this time - there was no waiting line for the ER when I arrived, Yay! I immediately got a room but still had to wait a while for a doctor to come and see me.
After an abdominal x-ray and an ultrasound with some blood tests, it was confirmed that my J-tube area was infected. More antibiotics for me....yuppie! They also replaced the J-tube which hurt like hell. =(
Surprise Birthday
Yesterday I celebrated my 29th birthday (but it's actually on the 23rd). It was no ordinary birthday but a surprise birthday. And boy was it a surprise! LOL. My family, friends and co-workers were there at the restaurant ("The Odyssey" at Granada Hills) and I had no idea what-so-ever. I had a stunned look on my face; I thought I was just going to have a quiet lunch with my mom and sister. It was the best birthday ever! =)
I got the new "Guitar Hero III" for the XBOX and a 1TB hard-drive as presents. Thank you so much, guys!
Now onto another subject. I'm going to have another PET/CT scan on Tuesday to see if there's any cancer left in my body - there shouldn't be since surgery took it all out (knock on wood). I'll post the results on my blog and maybe even a video clip of the scan.
I got the new "Guitar Hero III" for the XBOX and a 1TB hard-drive as presents. Thank you so much, guys!
Now onto another subject. I'm going to have another PET/CT scan on Tuesday to see if there's any cancer left in my body - there shouldn't be since surgery took it all out (knock on wood). I'll post the results on my blog and maybe even a video clip of the scan.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Cancer Links
YOUNG ADULT CANCER FACTS
1. Cancer incidence in young adults has doubled over the past 20 years
2. 70,000 people ages 15-39 are diagnosed with cancer each year
3. Young adults with cancer have lower survival rates with respect to the geriatric and pediatric populations
There are many reasons there has been no improvement in young adult survival rates:
* Doctors don’t take young adult patients seriously because they are not in the typical demographic for cancer, brain tumors, or some other life threatening disease leading to delayed diagnosis.
* Lack of research - Young adult patients often are not eligible for studies (too old for pediatric studies or to young for traditional studies) and there are few studies geared towards the 15-39 age group.
* Entry level jobs with poor healthcare - young people are just starting out so the costs of healthcare are not a priority. Early detection/education about warning signs is essential.
* “Superman” complex - Belief that nothing could ever happen to a young adult patient. They think they are invincible! Early detection/education about warning signs is essential.
"I accept what is to come, but I cannot rid myself of a deep mourning for all those experiences -- college, marriage, children, grandchildren -- that will probably never be mine to celebrate. What solace I do find is in the knowledge that I have done everything I can to transmute this terribleness into something positive by showing as many people as I can how to endure it with a smile.
I don't believe you can ask for any more, but if I could ask for something, it would be to be able to go outside into the glorious spring air, feeling healthy and blissfully clueless as to how lucky I was for it, if only just for an hour."
--- Miles Levin
Wow. Just wow. You just gotta read his story.
And of course, Randy Pausch's Last Lecture is required viewing.
Did you order your
cap today?
Thursday, April 3, 2008
More Chemo In My Future
I had a meeting with my oncologist a few days ago discussing my current state after surgery. He pretty much summed up that everything I am going through is normal - the coughing, shortness of breath, tiredness, and some breathing issues. The thing is, I wasn't told this before surgery; oh well, at least its "normal" and will only have to deal with these symptoms for another 2-3 months.
My oncologist also recommended that I do more chemo (I'm guessing for another 6 weeks). And its not because of anything in my pathology report, which, by the way, he said was a "good" result. He said that its because that I'm mainly young and could handle it - that he'd like to be as aggressive as possible. I'm down with it. The problem that I have is that he's not totally sure that the chemo that I will take (called taxotere) would be effective. Sure, taxotere was what I was getting with radiation with successfully shrunk down the tumor, but he's not sure if it was the taxotere alone that was responsible for the shrinkage or the radiation. So I'll be taking taxotere with no guarantees that it would do anything. I remember my experiences with taxotere were pretty unpleasant - nausea, vomiting, tiredness, and the dreadful hair loss. I've grown back much of my hair since I shaved it many months ago and I just might have to do it again. Ug! Well, that'll be in 3-4 weeks or so. That's when I'm supposed to start my chemo treatments again. He first wants me to recover more from surgery before starting chemo.
As for everything else going on with me, I'm doing "ok' - better than 2 weeks ago, at least. The pneumonia is pretty much gone thanks to some antibiotics. I still cough quite a bit but not as much, my voice is still hoarse and barely understandable (which is extremely annoying when I have to talk to people), breathing is still a problem (I can't take in full breaths) which leads me to be easily tired. One bit of good news is that my resting pulse rate is down to the low 100s (from 130-140 many weeks ago).
I'm stating to do some easy exercises like stretching and slow walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I think this will help me improve my cardio and pulmonary systems, not to mention get rid of some depression.
Mentally, I've been just "hanging on" to what I can. I've been through bouts of depression (I think I need something stronger than paxil) but I try to fight it off with just going outside, watching movies, exercising, or playing some computer games. In the Kübler-Ross model of grief, I believe I'm at the mid-point of depression and acceptance. It's been over 7 months since my diagnosis and I thing I should be over it by now, don't you think? I guess it varies for different people. I frequently go back to the "anger" stage because I really think that "ITS NOT FAIR". And its not fair. But people always say "Life is never fair". Screw that! This is CANCER we're talking about. There is no justification for anyone to suffer through cancer - especially at a young age! Damnit! I already lost my father though lung cancer when I was 17. Talk about unfair?!? HOW UNFAIR CAN YOU GET? This is life and death we're talking about - this is serious shit.
I used to be a pretty fit person before cancer. I religiously went to the gym 5 days a week, ate pretty healthy, and felt great! At work my group used to run up and down the 16 floors of our building for exercise each day - I was the first one up every time. Now, I can barely manage the 3 floors at my apartment building and being out of breath - and this is taking a small break at each floor. That's just an example of some serious changes I have to contend with. I always prided myself on my physical abilities and of my good health before cancer, because as many say, no matter how bad things got, I'd always say "hey, I still have my good health". But obviously that no longer is the case. There is almost nothing for me to fall back on; something that I can really depend on, you know? And that is just plain UNFAIR, and angers me very much. I'm currently searching for replacements and so far I have my family, friends, and the people at my work that care about me.
(Please excuse all the bitching...)
Thank you all for your support.
...Live Strong...
My oncologist also recommended that I do more chemo (I'm guessing for another 6 weeks). And its not because of anything in my pathology report, which, by the way, he said was a "good" result. He said that its because that I'm mainly young and could handle it - that he'd like to be as aggressive as possible. I'm down with it. The problem that I have is that he's not totally sure that the chemo that I will take (called taxotere) would be effective. Sure, taxotere was what I was getting with radiation with successfully shrunk down the tumor, but he's not sure if it was the taxotere alone that was responsible for the shrinkage or the radiation. So I'll be taking taxotere with no guarantees that it would do anything. I remember my experiences with taxotere were pretty unpleasant - nausea, vomiting, tiredness, and the dreadful hair loss. I've grown back much of my hair since I shaved it many months ago and I just might have to do it again. Ug! Well, that'll be in 3-4 weeks or so. That's when I'm supposed to start my chemo treatments again. He first wants me to recover more from surgery before starting chemo.
As for everything else going on with me, I'm doing "ok' - better than 2 weeks ago, at least. The pneumonia is pretty much gone thanks to some antibiotics. I still cough quite a bit but not as much, my voice is still hoarse and barely understandable (which is extremely annoying when I have to talk to people), breathing is still a problem (I can't take in full breaths) which leads me to be easily tired. One bit of good news is that my resting pulse rate is down to the low 100s (from 130-140 many weeks ago).
I'm stating to do some easy exercises like stretching and slow walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I think this will help me improve my cardio and pulmonary systems, not to mention get rid of some depression.
Mentally, I've been just "hanging on" to what I can. I've been through bouts of depression (I think I need something stronger than paxil) but I try to fight it off with just going outside, watching movies, exercising, or playing some computer games. In the Kübler-Ross model of grief, I believe I'm at the mid-point of depression and acceptance. It's been over 7 months since my diagnosis and I thing I should be over it by now, don't you think? I guess it varies for different people. I frequently go back to the "anger" stage because I really think that "ITS NOT FAIR". And its not fair. But people always say "Life is never fair". Screw that! This is CANCER we're talking about. There is no justification for anyone to suffer through cancer - especially at a young age! Damnit! I already lost my father though lung cancer when I was 17. Talk about unfair?!? HOW UNFAIR CAN YOU GET? This is life and death we're talking about - this is serious shit.
I used to be a pretty fit person before cancer. I religiously went to the gym 5 days a week, ate pretty healthy, and felt great! At work my group used to run up and down the 16 floors of our building for exercise each day - I was the first one up every time. Now, I can barely manage the 3 floors at my apartment building and being out of breath - and this is taking a small break at each floor. That's just an example of some serious changes I have to contend with. I always prided myself on my physical abilities and of my good health before cancer, because as many say, no matter how bad things got, I'd always say "hey, I still have my good health". But obviously that no longer is the case. There is almost nothing for me to fall back on; something that I can really depend on, you know? And that is just plain UNFAIR, and angers me very much. I'm currently searching for replacements and so far I have my family, friends, and the people at my work that care about me.
(Please excuse all the bitching...)
Thank you all for your support.
...Live Strong...
Friday, March 21, 2008
1 Month Post Surgery
It's been a while since I posted to my blog - and for good reason: things have been going down hill the past two weeks and only now just beginning to see the light.
It all started two weeks ago on Monday. I suddenly felt extreme shallowness in breathing and experienced a constant pulse rate of 130-140. It happened almost instantaneous and I don't think it was because of anything I did. I thought I was going to faint! We went straight for the emergency room and AMAZINGLY didn't wait one minute before they took me in (my previous experiences with ERs usually take 4-8 hours to be seen). They had me do lots of tests which involved having a CT scan since one of the doctors thought that I could have a clot in my lung. Good thing that was not the case. Then they were beginning to think that it may be too much fluid around my heart which is causing constrictions around my heart muscle making it beat faster. Then the order for EKGs and an echocardiogram. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days then was discharged.
Several days after things did not improve and so I went back to the ER with the same symptoms - high pulse rate and fast, shallow breathing. I was seen right away by the ER team. I didn't get admitted this time, but just had more tests performed at the ER. I also had another echocardiogram - the problem was that it took the guy over 6 hours to come over to do the test. It turned out that he was at home sleeping and not listing to his pager.
Then just yesterdsay - still feeling quite crappy and now with severe coughs because of pneumonia - I went to my cardiologist for my appointment. He right away told me that I had to go to the emergency room and get myself admitted to the hospital. So I got a ride on the medical transport system (my first time being in an ambulance) to the ER. More tests an another echocardiogram. Lots of doctors are now starting to be concerned with the fluid around my heart, but the attending doctor of my case - which happens to be my surgeon, said that it is of no concern right now. Whew! This saves me from another operation to drain that fluid.
So right now I'm in the hospital resting and getting antibiotics for my pneumonia as well as getting my regular tube feedings. I'm also now just starting to eat regular food. Hospital food doesn't taste too bad if you haven't eaten in a while.
I just want to also thank everyone at Tandberg for their emails of support and cards and gifts form my old pals at UCSD! Thanks for the quilt, Trish! It looks beautiful. =)
...and thanks Eric for caring so such.
It all started two weeks ago on Monday. I suddenly felt extreme shallowness in breathing and experienced a constant pulse rate of 130-140. It happened almost instantaneous and I don't think it was because of anything I did. I thought I was going to faint! We went straight for the emergency room and AMAZINGLY didn't wait one minute before they took me in (my previous experiences with ERs usually take 4-8 hours to be seen). They had me do lots of tests which involved having a CT scan since one of the doctors thought that I could have a clot in my lung. Good thing that was not the case. Then they were beginning to think that it may be too much fluid around my heart which is causing constrictions around my heart muscle making it beat faster. Then the order for EKGs and an echocardiogram. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days then was discharged.
Several days after things did not improve and so I went back to the ER with the same symptoms - high pulse rate and fast, shallow breathing. I was seen right away by the ER team. I didn't get admitted this time, but just had more tests performed at the ER. I also had another echocardiogram - the problem was that it took the guy over 6 hours to come over to do the test. It turned out that he was at home sleeping and not listing to his pager.
Then just yesterdsay - still feeling quite crappy and now with severe coughs because of pneumonia - I went to my cardiologist for my appointment. He right away told me that I had to go to the emergency room and get myself admitted to the hospital. So I got a ride on the medical transport system (my first time being in an ambulance) to the ER. More tests an another echocardiogram. Lots of doctors are now starting to be concerned with the fluid around my heart, but the attending doctor of my case - which happens to be my surgeon, said that it is of no concern right now. Whew! This saves me from another operation to drain that fluid.
So right now I'm in the hospital resting and getting antibiotics for my pneumonia as well as getting my regular tube feedings. I'm also now just starting to eat regular food. Hospital food doesn't taste too bad if you haven't eaten in a while.
I just want to also thank everyone at Tandberg for their emails of support and cards and gifts form my old pals at UCSD! Thanks for the quilt, Trish! It looks beautiful. =)
...and thanks Eric for caring so such.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Two Weeks Post Surgery
Things are going “OK” for the most part. I’ve been taking it really easy the last few weeks relaxing on my massage chair most of the day and walking down the hallways of my apartment every now and then. I don’t tend to get as tired and out of breath as before, which is good, but I still find it uncomfortable to walk – I feel ‘tightness’ around my abdomen (because of the incisions) so I tend to walk slow while leaning forward. There are other annoying inconveniences I have to deal with. For one, I’m chained to my feeding machine most of the day – 18 hours out of the day; and it’s so noisy that I have to wear ear plugs when I sleep! The worst part so far is that I’ve partially lost my voice (every time I try talking I feel like coughing). How I managed to phone my insurance, talk with EDD, talk to my doctors, and setup appointments is a near miracle. Pain is the other thing I have to deal with. The first two weeks I had no problem with pain, but just this week I started to feel pain around my abdominal incisions. I’m taking vicodin which helps.
One bit of good news is that I finally got my Jackson-Pratt drain removed from my neck after my surgeon finally cleared me to start a liquid diet by mouth. I can finally start drinking water!! Yay! It feels great to finally get to taste food again, albeit liquid. By Monday I should be able to start soft-solid foods! So far swallowing liquids isn’t any different than before surgery. I’ll let you all know how it goes with solid foods.
I also received final news on the pathology report of my esophagus. The tumor went through all layers of the esophagus but was shrunk to within the walls by chemo-radiation. Preliminary results which I received last week noted no lymph nodes affected, but further tests showed that one lymph node had cancer in it. All margins were clear so they’re pretty confident that they got everything. Now all I need to worry about is a re-occurance.
One bit of good news is that I finally got my Jackson-Pratt drain removed from my neck after my surgeon finally cleared me to start a liquid diet by mouth. I can finally start drinking water!! Yay! It feels great to finally get to taste food again, albeit liquid. By Monday I should be able to start soft-solid foods! So far swallowing liquids isn’t any different than before surgery. I’ll let you all know how it goes with solid foods.
I also received final news on the pathology report of my esophagus. The tumor went through all layers of the esophagus but was shrunk to within the walls by chemo-radiation. Preliminary results which I received last week noted no lymph nodes affected, but further tests showed that one lymph node had cancer in it. All margins were clear so they’re pretty confident that they got everything. Now all I need to worry about is a re-occurance.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
1 Week Post Surgery
I finally got to go home yesterday. In all, I stayed at the hospital for a total of 6 day – not bad at all considering what I’ve been though.
Things have improved little in the last few days – I still feel weak, not being able to breathe as deeply as before, neck ache, abdominal pain when I cough, muscle atrophy, throat pain when I swallow my saliva. In all, it feels like I’ve been run-over.
But things are going as expected, I guess. Its just really, really rough right now.
They currently have me on tube feedings through my j-tube almost all of the day. I have an appointment next week for them to determine if there are any leaks when I swallow liquids. If that goes ok then I’ll go on a liquid diet for several days then to soft foods after that. I’ll gradually lower my tube feedings when I take on more food by mouth
- total of 9 incisions (2 1-inch side incisions for chest tubes, 5 0.5-inch port incisions, 2 4-inch incisions one in the neck and the other in the abdomen).
Before....
.... and after.
This is my esophagus that they removed with 25% of my stomach. Sorry if this grosses anyone out.
Things have improved little in the last few days – I still feel weak, not being able to breathe as deeply as before, neck ache, abdominal pain when I cough, muscle atrophy, throat pain when I swallow my saliva. In all, it feels like I’ve been run-over.
But things are going as expected, I guess. Its just really, really rough right now.
They currently have me on tube feedings through my j-tube almost all of the day. I have an appointment next week for them to determine if there are any leaks when I swallow liquids. If that goes ok then I’ll go on a liquid diet for several days then to soft foods after that. I’ll gradually lower my tube feedings when I take on more food by mouth
- total of 9 incisions (2 1-inch side incisions for chest tubes, 5 0.5-inch port incisions, 2 4-inch incisions one in the neck and the other in the abdomen).
Before....
.... and after.
This is my esophagus that they removed with 25% of my stomach. Sorry if this grosses anyone out.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
3rd Day Post Surgery
It’s very unpleasant as I write this so I’ll make it quick. The operation was a success and I’m still alive. It took 10 hours in all – unlike the 4 hours I was told before-hand. I don’t remember all that much anymore of the surgery including the day after so I can’t comment much. The last few days, however, have been extremely tough. There wasn’t nearly as much pain as I expected – its been really well taken care of to where its nearly a non-issue. The biggest problem I currently face, though is breathing problems. It seems as though I can’t expand my lungs enough to take a full breath.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
All Is well
...few minutes later: now they tell me everything is OK. I'm all cleared with my insurance company. Yay!
....now I'm at the pre-op room and changed into the hospital gown. Oh how I love to wear these hospital gowns (being sarcastic).
....now I'm at the pre-op room and changed into the hospital gown. Oh how I love to wear these hospital gowns (being sarcastic).
Slight Mishap
It is currently 5:15 near the admissions office at the UCLA hospital. Apparently when I arrived here they told me they have not yet cleared the surgery with my insurance company and that the secretary working on the case wouldn't come in until 9am. Ack!
The mix-up could have happened because I switched my schedule to an earlier time (my awesome surgeon called me up personally and asked me if I wanted an earlier time since his other patient canceled). I guess the other people didn't know about the time change.
The mix-up could have happened because I switched my schedule to an earlier time (my awesome surgeon called me up personally and asked me if I wanted an earlier time since his other patient canceled). I guess the other people didn't know about the time change.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Last Posting Before Surgery
I've just finished my last set of pre-ops and I'm all set tomorrow morning for my surgery. Everything went well for my endoscopic ultrasound - my gastroenterologist says there was no endoscopic evidence of the tumor, which is good news and what I was expecting.
I also had a meeting with my clinical coordinator discussing the procedure in detail and what to expect before and after surgery. I must say the details of the aftermath of surgery were very disturbing for me and I'm still in shock that I'll be going through with this. For one thing, I didn't know that I'll have a drainage tube coming out of my neck for over a week! WTF!? I imagine there will be at least 3 more drainage tubes coming out of me and that I'll also be connected to a bag of liquid nutrition through my j-tube for 20 hours out of the day for a week. F**k! Oh yeah, and probably the worst part is another tube through my urethra going into my bladder! ACK! That's gonna hurt for sure!
Shit! Shit! Shit! I can't belive I'm actually going through with this!
I fucking hate cancer! Damn! This is so unfair! AHHHHRG! Shit! ....ok, I just had to vent of some anger.
Anyways, my surgery will start early tomorrow morning around 8am or so but I have to get to the hospital by 5am. I'll try to update my blog as soon as I'm capable of doing so after waking up... which will probably be a day after surgery.
Wish me luck!
I also had a meeting with my clinical coordinator discussing the procedure in detail and what to expect before and after surgery. I must say the details of the aftermath of surgery were very disturbing for me and I'm still in shock that I'll be going through with this. For one thing, I didn't know that I'll have a drainage tube coming out of my neck for over a week! WTF!? I imagine there will be at least 3 more drainage tubes coming out of me and that I'll also be connected to a bag of liquid nutrition through my j-tube for 20 hours out of the day for a week. F**k! Oh yeah, and probably the worst part is another tube through my urethra going into my bladder! ACK! That's gonna hurt for sure!
Shit! Shit! Shit! I can't belive I'm actually going through with this!
I fucking hate cancer! Damn! This is so unfair! AHHHHRG! Shit! ....ok, I just had to vent of some anger.
Anyways, my surgery will start early tomorrow morning around 8am or so but I have to get to the hospital by 5am. I'll try to update my blog as soon as I'm capable of doing so after waking up... which will probably be a day after surgery.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Trip To Grand Canyon
As for enjoying my last few days before surgery I spontaneously decided that my family and I visit the Grand Canyon. It was one of the two things I had in mind doing before surgery - the other was purchasing a $9k GSX-R600 Suzuki sports bike (my dream bike). My mom and sister convinced me that now was probably not the right time for spending all that cash. And even though I wanted to get that bike so much, the thought of spending that much makes me sick more than chemotherapy. One of these days I will have that bike. My precious….
It’s not the first time I’ve visited the canyon. The last time was about 12 years ago and only spent about 30mins viewing the canyon before heading towards Sedona, Arizona. This weekend, however, was the full experience (well, for the most part). We left Saturday morning at 11am – just 2 hours after I decided to head down there. I drove the WHOLE way there with two stops for gas – a total of 500 miles in about 9 hours (there was traffic). That’s a new record for me; I’m surprised of my driving endurance (all without coffee!!). We arrived about 8pm (that’s 9pm Arizona time) or so and spent the night at the Holiday Inn. We had dinner at the “Coronado Room” at the Best Western Hotel (it was one of only two places that was still open!). Dinner was great (I had the Filet mignon) but the temperature outside was literally freezing cold. I was not prepared at all. All I wore were shorts and a T-shirt. Luckily I always have a sweater in my car handy. It was about 30 deg. F. and there was snow and ice just about everywhere. Ok, I didn’t mind the cold that much – and I enjoyed the snow. I consider the snow to be the highlight of my trip (well, after the canyon, of course) since I haven’t seen snow in so long. I felt like a kid again stomping on a pile of snow. LOL.
\
The next morning we headed out to the canyon’s south rim – the most popular spot for the canyon. And boy was it packed! The only parking spots left were handicap. Thankfully, California considered me to be a cripple and awarded me a handicap placard. You can’t imagine how much time that placard has saved me in finding and waiting for parking spots. Just about everywhere I parked around the canyon I used the placard because there was no other place to park! Hey, I deserve it after what I’ve been through,
The views of the canyon were unquestionably spectacular. The touch of snow around the canyon just made it that much more fabulous. I tempted fate several times by leaning over ledges – hey, it’s what makes me feel alive inside. I find myself to be more of a risk taker since being diagnosed with one of the worst cancers there is. And I’m ok with that. My mom, however, is not. After spending a few hours gazing the beauty of the canyon (and slipping on the slippery ice on the trail), we had lunch at the famous El Tovar lodge/hotel. Great dining experience with a fabulous view of the canyon a few hundred yards away. What takes the cake though is our 1 hour helicopter tour around the canyon. It was awesome! Not only was it my first helicopter ride, but we were going over the canyon itself! It was expensive as heck, but I guess it was worth it for the experience. A truly memorable experience that no one would forget. Next time: water rafting on the Colorado river!
It’s not the first time I’ve visited the canyon. The last time was about 12 years ago and only spent about 30mins viewing the canyon before heading towards Sedona, Arizona. This weekend, however, was the full experience (well, for the most part). We left Saturday morning at 11am – just 2 hours after I decided to head down there. I drove the WHOLE way there with two stops for gas – a total of 500 miles in about 9 hours (there was traffic). That’s a new record for me; I’m surprised of my driving endurance (all without coffee!!). We arrived about 8pm (that’s 9pm Arizona time) or so and spent the night at the Holiday Inn. We had dinner at the “Coronado Room” at the Best Western Hotel (it was one of only two places that was still open!). Dinner was great (I had the Filet mignon) but the temperature outside was literally freezing cold. I was not prepared at all. All I wore were shorts and a T-shirt. Luckily I always have a sweater in my car handy. It was about 30 deg. F. and there was snow and ice just about everywhere. Ok, I didn’t mind the cold that much – and I enjoyed the snow. I consider the snow to be the highlight of my trip (well, after the canyon, of course) since I haven’t seen snow in so long. I felt like a kid again stomping on a pile of snow. LOL.
\
The next morning we headed out to the canyon’s south rim – the most popular spot for the canyon. And boy was it packed! The only parking spots left were handicap. Thankfully, California considered me to be a cripple and awarded me a handicap placard. You can’t imagine how much time that placard has saved me in finding and waiting for parking spots. Just about everywhere I parked around the canyon I used the placard because there was no other place to park! Hey, I deserve it after what I’ve been through,
The views of the canyon were unquestionably spectacular. The touch of snow around the canyon just made it that much more fabulous. I tempted fate several times by leaning over ledges – hey, it’s what makes me feel alive inside. I find myself to be more of a risk taker since being diagnosed with one of the worst cancers there is. And I’m ok with that. My mom, however, is not. After spending a few hours gazing the beauty of the canyon (and slipping on the slippery ice on the trail), we had lunch at the famous El Tovar lodge/hotel. Great dining experience with a fabulous view of the canyon a few hundred yards away. What takes the cake though is our 1 hour helicopter tour around the canyon. It was awesome! Not only was it my first helicopter ride, but we were going over the canyon itself! It was expensive as heck, but I guess it was worth it for the experience. A truly memorable experience that no one would forget. Next time: water rafting on the Colorado river!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Esophagectomy In 7 Days
Weight: 135
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Well, looks like I'm going to go through with it after all. The surgery is scheduled for next week on 2/21! I have 7 days before my life will forever be changed...hmmm, I'm not sure how to spend that time, but I'll think of something special. I also have pre-operative tasks to complete next week before surgery - pulmonary function test, another endoscopic ultrasound, and an EKG. All of that is just to prepare me for surgery....fun, fun, fun, heh.
I'm not as worried about surgery as before (most likely from all the medications I'm taking), so I'm not too anxious or depressed over it (just a little). Talking with my surgeon helped a lot in calming me down and this surgery is certainly the best course for me to avoid re-occurance.
Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted.
...thanks for the card, Linda B! =)
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Well, looks like I'm going to go through with it after all. The surgery is scheduled for next week on 2/21! I have 7 days before my life will forever be changed...hmmm, I'm not sure how to spend that time, but I'll think of something special. I also have pre-operative tasks to complete next week before surgery - pulmonary function test, another endoscopic ultrasound, and an EKG. All of that is just to prepare me for surgery....fun, fun, fun, heh.
I'm not as worried about surgery as before (most likely from all the medications I'm taking), so I'm not too anxious or depressed over it (just a little). Talking with my surgeon helped a lot in calming me down and this surgery is certainly the best course for me to avoid re-occurance.
Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted.
...thanks for the card, Linda B! =)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thinking Of Not Going Through With It
Weight: 126 (lowest: 121)
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 7/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Its really starting to hit me now. My surgery is getting closer and closer each day and I've been having LOTS of anxiety over it. Its making me quite depressed and its just tough going through with this.
I've been thinking of not going through with the surgery. I can't seem to deal with the aftermath of it: removal of my entire esophagus and 1/3 of my stomach, having my stomach stretched and making a new esophagus out of that, dealing with a J-Tube (feeding tube directly in my intestine for several weeks). I'll also have to deal with the life-long change of eating smaller meals - meaning losing more weight.
I know the consequences of not going through with it are pretty dire. But is the small percentage of recovery worth it for that much suffering?
I've been reading other people's stories online, here is what they have to say:
http://www.esophagealcancer.org/cancerstory.html
http://cancerguide.org/emitchell_story.html
I have a meeting with my oncologist today so I'll be asking him what he thinks of me not going through with surgery.
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 7/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Its really starting to hit me now. My surgery is getting closer and closer each day and I've been having LOTS of anxiety over it. Its making me quite depressed and its just tough going through with this.
I've been thinking of not going through with the surgery. I can't seem to deal with the aftermath of it: removal of my entire esophagus and 1/3 of my stomach, having my stomach stretched and making a new esophagus out of that, dealing with a J-Tube (feeding tube directly in my intestine for several weeks). I'll also have to deal with the life-long change of eating smaller meals - meaning losing more weight.
I know the consequences of not going through with it are pretty dire. But is the small percentage of recovery worth it for that much suffering?
I've been reading other people's stories online, here is what they have to say:
http://www.esophagealcancer.org/cancerstory.html
http://cancerguide.org/emitchell_story.html
I have a meeting with my oncologist today so I'll be asking him what he thinks of me not going through with surgery.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Some Serious Insomnia
Weight: 126
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
I haven't been sleeping much lately - for the past 6 days, actually; only about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Why? It's because of my impending surgery. I just can't stop thinking about it. Its always on my mind and its driving my crazy. I'm taking some medications to help calm my down as well as some relaxation teas and they seem to work ok. But just imagine how serious this surgery will be!!! Maybe I'm thinking that it'll be more than it really is and that I'm just worried for nothing. But I admit - I'm a BIG wimp when it comes to this surgery. I'm not afraid of the actual procedure or even dying on the table - I'll be asleep the whole time and without pain. But what I am afraid of is waking up after and the next 6 days of stay in the hospital. I hate staying over at the hospital. I'll have tubes and wires all over me - I'm so damn scared! ARG!!
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
I haven't been sleeping much lately - for the past 6 days, actually; only about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Why? It's because of my impending surgery. I just can't stop thinking about it. Its always on my mind and its driving my crazy. I'm taking some medications to help calm my down as well as some relaxation teas and they seem to work ok. But just imagine how serious this surgery will be!!! Maybe I'm thinking that it'll be more than it really is and that I'm just worried for nothing. But I admit - I'm a BIG wimp when it comes to this surgery. I'm not afraid of the actual procedure or even dying on the table - I'll be asleep the whole time and without pain. But what I am afraid of is waking up after and the next 6 days of stay in the hospital. I hate staying over at the hospital. I'll have tubes and wires all over me - I'm so damn scared! ARG!!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Cancer Music
Weight: 125
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 2/10
As promised, here's my compiled list of tracks that I now often listen to. My "Cancer Fighting Music". I highly recommend these tracks to lift up your spirits when your down.
Russell Watson - Where My Heart Will Take Me
- Theme of "Star Trek Enterprise"; very, very, very inspiring. The big bonus is that its from Star Trek!!!
Diana Ross - I Will Survive
- Nuf said.
Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger
- pumps me up
Smashing Pumpkins - A Killer In Me
- luv the pumpkins. Title fits quite nicely in my situation. I feel like I need to remind myself of this.
Naughty By Nature - Everythings Gonna Be Alright
- oldie but still very good. Its about surviving in the worst of times. Also very inspiring.
Bette Midler - From A Distance
- I just LOVE this song.
Scandal - The Warrior
- Quite upbeat.
Refreshments - Down Togther
- Very playful, upbeat
Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
- I feel like I'm flying with Tom Cruise on this one. =). Its also upbeat.
Mariah Carey - When You Believe
- Gives hope in hopeless situations. Just believe.
Bobby Mcferrin - Don't Worry Be Happy
- I worry WAY TOO much. Too bad this guy doesn't mention cancer in the lyrics.
2Pac - Changes
- My man 2pac. I feel his passion to the letter. I need some change in my life.
Let me know if you know of others that should be on this list...
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 2/10
As promised, here's my compiled list of tracks that I now often listen to. My "Cancer Fighting Music". I highly recommend these tracks to lift up your spirits when your down.
Russell Watson - Where My Heart Will Take Me
- Theme of "Star Trek Enterprise"; very, very, very inspiring. The big bonus is that its from Star Trek!!!
Diana Ross - I Will Survive
- Nuf said.
Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger
- pumps me up
Smashing Pumpkins - A Killer In Me
- luv the pumpkins. Title fits quite nicely in my situation. I feel like I need to remind myself of this.
Naughty By Nature - Everythings Gonna Be Alright
- oldie but still very good. Its about surviving in the worst of times. Also very inspiring.
Bette Midler - From A Distance
- I just LOVE this song.
Scandal - The Warrior
- Quite upbeat.
Refreshments - Down Togther
- Very playful, upbeat
Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
- I feel like I'm flying with Tom Cruise on this one. =). Its also upbeat.
Mariah Carey - When You Believe
- Gives hope in hopeless situations. Just believe.
Bobby Mcferrin - Don't Worry Be Happy
- I worry WAY TOO much. Too bad this guy doesn't mention cancer in the lyrics.
2Pac - Changes
- My man 2pac. I feel his passion to the letter. I need some change in my life.
Let me know if you know of others that should be on this list...
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The Good And The Bad
Weight: 124
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 5/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Medications: none
I'll start with the good news first since that seems to be quicker to get out of the way. I just got an email from my oncologist last night regarding my latest PET/CT scan (which was done last Thursday). The prognosis is that the tumor has shrunk. Yep, certainly good news! Looks like the combo of radiation and Taxotere/5FU did the trick. I haven’t read the doctors' report yet like I usually do with my PET/CT readings so I don’t know exactly how much it had shrunk. All I know is that there was significant shrinkage but the tumor is still there (but at least has not spread). This means that I’m pretty much guaranteed surgical resection in the very near future.
So that’s the good news. The bad news, however is that I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and been crying spontaneously throughout the day. I’m not exactly sure why I’m depressed – perhaps it’s the fact that I now have to face surgery. Waking up with tubes and wires connected all over my body with cuts to my abdomen and neck not to even mention the pain that I would experience scares me half to death. The 6-week recovery after surgery is also very disconcerting to me. I can't imagine going through with that kind of situation. I even considered not going through with the surgery since it sounds that bad to me. I realize though that it would be very foolish of me not to go through with it.
Its so easy for everyone else to say "stay positive", but you guys don't know just HOW DIFFICULT my situation is. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. I'm amazed I've made it this far. God help me survive the 6-week hell I'll be going through.
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 5/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Medications: none
I'll start with the good news first since that seems to be quicker to get out of the way. I just got an email from my oncologist last night regarding my latest PET/CT scan (which was done last Thursday). The prognosis is that the tumor has shrunk. Yep, certainly good news! Looks like the combo of radiation and Taxotere/5FU did the trick. I haven’t read the doctors' report yet like I usually do with my PET/CT readings so I don’t know exactly how much it had shrunk. All I know is that there was significant shrinkage but the tumor is still there (but at least has not spread). This means that I’m pretty much guaranteed surgical resection in the very near future.
So that’s the good news. The bad news, however is that I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and been crying spontaneously throughout the day. I’m not exactly sure why I’m depressed – perhaps it’s the fact that I now have to face surgery. Waking up with tubes and wires connected all over my body with cuts to my abdomen and neck not to even mention the pain that I would experience scares me half to death. The 6-week recovery after surgery is also very disconcerting to me. I can't imagine going through with that kind of situation. I even considered not going through with the surgery since it sounds that bad to me. I realize though that it would be very foolish of me not to go through with it.
Its so easy for everyone else to say "stay positive", but you guys don't know just HOW DIFFICULT my situation is. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. I'm amazed I've made it this far. God help me survive the 6-week hell I'll be going through.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Learning To Forgive Myself
Most people who develop cancer usually don't know what caused them to develop cancer. There are some situations, however, like smoking that increases the chances of lung cancer. But for the unfortunate, cancer just comes without a warning and no provocation. Its no surprise that such people often wonder what they did in their past that might have triggered their cancer. I'm no different. I have a very, very good theory as to my own cause of cancer.
As most of you know, I'm a pretty shy person and quite introverted at times. This was especially true during my teen years. While most kids usually go to parties or whatever, I'd usually be stuck either at the computer hacking away, watching Star Trek, or busy building electronic circuits (one of my other hobbies). Its the latter that I think caused my disease. I loved playing with electronics when I was a kid and it eventually grew to a serious hobby where I would end up making my own circuit boards. Radio Shack used to be shop of choice back then (now its Fry's Electronics - obviously) =). Don't worry, it doesn't get nerdier than this. If your new to electronics, creating your own circuit board requires the use of an echant which would etch away some copper to reveal connections on the board. Ferric Chloride is one popular etching fluid. Well, one day while I was working I accidentally spilled the whole bottle of the stuff on my room's carpet - just totally saturating it. I tried to soak up most of the stuff but it was tough to get out. I ended up covering it with a rug so that my parents wouldn't find out what happened (that stain could not be removed). I left it that way for months - I'm not exactly sure since its been so long about (it could even have been years). Whatever what was left started fuming up in my room so much so that it left a dark stain on my ceiling right above where the stain on the carpet was. I was breathing in those toxic fumes while I was sleeping for months or years! I never thought nothing of it. Cancer never crossed my mind.
Although there is no fact saying that ferric chloride causes cancer (in fact, there is a report that says the opposite), it certainly is highly toxic. This is the only thing I can think of that would cause my cancer. And it was all my fault. And now, I find it extremely difficult to forgive myself of my mistake back then.
Its true that what's done is done...but I still keep thinking about it. It is now time for forgiveness, which will take time.
As most of you know, I'm a pretty shy person and quite introverted at times. This was especially true during my teen years. While most kids usually go to parties or whatever, I'd usually be stuck either at the computer hacking away, watching Star Trek, or busy building electronic circuits (one of my other hobbies). Its the latter that I think caused my disease. I loved playing with electronics when I was a kid and it eventually grew to a serious hobby where I would end up making my own circuit boards. Radio Shack used to be shop of choice back then (now its Fry's Electronics - obviously) =). Don't worry, it doesn't get nerdier than this. If your new to electronics, creating your own circuit board requires the use of an echant which would etch away some copper to reveal connections on the board. Ferric Chloride is one popular etching fluid. Well, one day while I was working I accidentally spilled the whole bottle of the stuff on my room's carpet - just totally saturating it. I tried to soak up most of the stuff but it was tough to get out. I ended up covering it with a rug so that my parents wouldn't find out what happened (that stain could not be removed). I left it that way for months - I'm not exactly sure since its been so long about (it could even have been years). Whatever what was left started fuming up in my room so much so that it left a dark stain on my ceiling right above where the stain on the carpet was. I was breathing in those toxic fumes while I was sleeping for months or years! I never thought nothing of it. Cancer never crossed my mind.
Although there is no fact saying that ferric chloride causes cancer (in fact, there is a report that says the opposite), it certainly is highly toxic. This is the only thing I can think of that would cause my cancer. And it was all my fault. And now, I find it extremely difficult to forgive myself of my mistake back then.
Its true that what's done is done...but I still keep thinking about it. It is now time for forgiveness, which will take time.
Feeling Great
Weight: 124
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
I think I developed a dependency to the Fentenyl patch that I've been using for such a long time. I stopped using it about 4 days ago and now my heart-rate is always in the 100s and I have rapid breathing. I also have had a hard time sleeping at night and as wikipedia puts it: "sensations in the legs (and occasionally arms) causing kicking movements which disrupt sleep". So you can probably tell that my pain has stopped since I stopped taking the Fentenyl patch - I'm so relieved, I almost feel like my old self again. Another good news about stopping the Fentenyl patch is that I no longer have constipation - no more waiting 5 days for a bowel movement; I can finally poop again, Yay!
I didn't get a good night sleep last night but for some strange reason I felt great when I woke up. I actually felt really, really good. I almost cried, seriously. Its strange, I know. I felt so great that I just started cleaning up the apartment and getting things straghtened out while listening to "Wham - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"; ya just gotta love George Michael!!
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
I think I developed a dependency to the Fentenyl patch that I've been using for such a long time. I stopped using it about 4 days ago and now my heart-rate is always in the 100s and I have rapid breathing. I also have had a hard time sleeping at night and as wikipedia puts it: "sensations in the legs (and occasionally arms) causing kicking movements which disrupt sleep". So you can probably tell that my pain has stopped since I stopped taking the Fentenyl patch - I'm so relieved, I almost feel like my old self again. Another good news about stopping the Fentenyl patch is that I no longer have constipation - no more waiting 5 days for a bowel movement; I can finally poop again, Yay!
I didn't get a good night sleep last night but for some strange reason I felt great when I woke up. I actually felt really, really good. I almost cried, seriously. Its strange, I know. I felt so great that I just started cleaning up the apartment and getting things straghtened out while listening to "Wham - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"; ya just gotta love George Michael!!
Monday, January 14, 2008
At Least ChemoRadiation is Over
Weight: 124.7
Pain: 3/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
As some of you may already know, I had to spend New Years at the hospital. I was admittted on 12/31 and stayed for 3 days. It was not a pleasant experience at all. Besides having to share the room with another patient, I had to deal with their awful dried-up cafeteria food. I was also hooked up to an IV for those 3 days getting fluids which is a pain to deal with whenever I had to get out of bed. I felt shackled to the IV which caused a lot of phycological stresses in my body. Its hard to explain what I felt like, but I'll try my best. I felt restless in my bed part of the time, especially when lots of blankets are over me - then I'd feel claustrophobic. I also had the sensation of uncontrollable salivary fluid production causing me to swallow in a weird way since I was very hesitant in swallowing my own saliva. It also affected my speech. Very strange experience. This was probably physiological to some degree. That has so far been my worst hospital experience to date. I still feel restless and anxious even now sometimes. I can get very uneasy.
Lately though I'm doing a little better but still feel crappy. I spend most of my time in bed, which is ok to some degree, but I think I'm over doing it. I feel almost half-awake when I'm awake and feel nauseated half the time. I still vomit quite a bit although not as much as when I was at the hospital. I've been going a lot of worrying and crying as well with my close family members. It feels great getting things out in th open, even though things may not even be solved.
The thing that worries me the most is whether I'll make it through this and if so how much pain will I have to endure. Surgery is the last battle for me, and will be the toughest of the three.
Currently though, my daily struggles are as basic as eating and finding the energy to do simple things (like update this blog). I'm taking lots of pain medications including the fentenal patch which pretty much makes me tired all the time. I'm taking the pain medications because I get severe pain when eating - which I assume is from the radiation. Its a little bit worrisome because one of the radiation oncologist told me that there isn't any pain receptors where I've been radiation so he's not sure why I'm experiencing this pain. What else can it be? I'm just worried that the pain might be elsewhere where it should not be. Anyways, it is hell going through suffering like this everyday - it really stresses my body out and I just find myself breaking down at times crying. Its tough, really tough. Finding ways to cope with it have been partially successfull - my mom and sister are great when it comes to support. I feel like I'm even more closer to them then ever before. I love them so much. I'm also still going to the support groups, which helps to a limited degree - it feels comforting to know that other people are going through the same kinds of struggles as I'm going through as well - that I'm not alone in this.
My daily activities have been quite limited because of what I've been going through - mainly because of the pain and fatigue. I pretty much sleep and eat and go on short walks.When I can, I go on the treadmill and walk even more or go somewhere scenic and walk there. I also stretch - as much as I can I try to avoid muscle atrophy. I miss doing my regular activities, however, like going to work and having a "normal" life.
Yes, I miss all you people at work - all you BBTV folks, you're still on my mind.
Pain: 3/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
As some of you may already know, I had to spend New Years at the hospital. I was admittted on 12/31 and stayed for 3 days. It was not a pleasant experience at all. Besides having to share the room with another patient, I had to deal with their awful dried-up cafeteria food. I was also hooked up to an IV for those 3 days getting fluids which is a pain to deal with whenever I had to get out of bed. I felt shackled to the IV which caused a lot of phycological stresses in my body. Its hard to explain what I felt like, but I'll try my best. I felt restless in my bed part of the time, especially when lots of blankets are over me - then I'd feel claustrophobic. I also had the sensation of uncontrollable salivary fluid production causing me to swallow in a weird way since I was very hesitant in swallowing my own saliva. It also affected my speech. Very strange experience. This was probably physiological to some degree. That has so far been my worst hospital experience to date. I still feel restless and anxious even now sometimes. I can get very uneasy.
Lately though I'm doing a little better but still feel crappy. I spend most of my time in bed, which is ok to some degree, but I think I'm over doing it. I feel almost half-awake when I'm awake and feel nauseated half the time. I still vomit quite a bit although not as much as when I was at the hospital. I've been going a lot of worrying and crying as well with my close family members. It feels great getting things out in th open, even though things may not even be solved.
The thing that worries me the most is whether I'll make it through this and if so how much pain will I have to endure. Surgery is the last battle for me, and will be the toughest of the three.
Currently though, my daily struggles are as basic as eating and finding the energy to do simple things (like update this blog). I'm taking lots of pain medications including the fentenal patch which pretty much makes me tired all the time. I'm taking the pain medications because I get severe pain when eating - which I assume is from the radiation. Its a little bit worrisome because one of the radiation oncologist told me that there isn't any pain receptors where I've been radiation so he's not sure why I'm experiencing this pain. What else can it be? I'm just worried that the pain might be elsewhere where it should not be. Anyways, it is hell going through suffering like this everyday - it really stresses my body out and I just find myself breaking down at times crying. Its tough, really tough. Finding ways to cope with it have been partially successfull - my mom and sister are great when it comes to support. I feel like I'm even more closer to them then ever before. I love them so much. I'm also still going to the support groups, which helps to a limited degree - it feels comforting to know that other people are going through the same kinds of struggles as I'm going through as well - that I'm not alone in this.
My daily activities have been quite limited because of what I've been going through - mainly because of the pain and fatigue. I pretty much sleep and eat and go on short walks.When I can, I go on the treadmill and walk even more or go somewhere scenic and walk there. I also stretch - as much as I can I try to avoid muscle atrophy. I miss doing my regular activities, however, like going to work and having a "normal" life.
Yes, I miss all you people at work - all you BBTV folks, you're still on my mind.
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