Thinking Of Not Going Through With It

Weight: 126 (lowest: 121)
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 7/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

Its really starting to hit me now. My surgery is getting closer and closer each day and I've been having LOTS of anxiety over it. Its making me quite depressed and its just tough going through with this.

I've been thinking of not going through with the surgery. I can't seem to deal with the aftermath of it: removal of my entire esophagus and 1/3 of my stomach, having my stomach stretched and making a new esophagus out of that, dealing with a J-Tube (feeding tube directly in my intestine for several weeks). I'll also have to deal with the life-long change of eating smaller meals - meaning losing more weight.

I know the consequences of not going through with it are pretty dire. But is the small percentage of recovery worth it for that much suffering?

I've been reading other people's stories online, here is what they have to say:
http://www.esophagealcancer.org/cancerstory.html
http://cancerguide.org/emitchell_story.html


I have a meeting with my oncologist today so I'll be asking him what he thinks of me not going through with surgery.