Learning To Forgive Myself

Most people who develop cancer usually don't know what caused them to develop cancer. There are some situations, however, like smoking that increases the chances of lung cancer. But for the unfortunate, cancer just comes without a warning and no provocation. Its no surprise that such people often wonder what they did in their past that might have triggered their cancer. I'm no different. I have a very, very good theory as to my own cause of cancer.

As most of you know, I'm a pretty shy person and quite introverted at times. This was especially true during my teen years. While most kids usually go to parties or whatever, I'd usually be stuck either at the computer hacking away, watching Star Trek, or busy building electronic circuits (one of my other hobbies). Its the latter that I think caused my disease. I loved playing with electronics when I was a kid and it eventually grew to a serious hobby where I would end up making my own circuit boards. Radio Shack used to be shop of choice back then (now its Fry's Electronics - obviously) =). Don't worry, it doesn't get nerdier than this. If your new to electronics, creating your own circuit board requires the use of an echant which would etch away some copper to reveal connections on the board. Ferric Chloride is one popular etching fluid. Well, one day while I was working I accidentally spilled the whole bottle of the stuff on my room's carpet - just totally saturating it. I tried to soak up most of the stuff but it was tough to get out. I ended up covering it with a rug so that my parents wouldn't find out what happened (that stain could not be removed). I left it that way for months - I'm not exactly sure since its been so long about (it could even have been years). Whatever what was left started fuming up in my room so much so that it left a dark stain on my ceiling right above where the stain on the carpet was. I was breathing in those toxic fumes while I was sleeping for months or years! I never thought nothing of it. Cancer never crossed my mind.

Although there is no fact saying that ferric chloride causes cancer (in fact, there is a report that says the opposite), it certainly is highly toxic. This is the only thing I can think of that would cause my cancer. And it was all my fault. And now, I find it extremely difficult to forgive myself of my mistake back then.

Its true that what's done is done...but I still keep thinking about it. It is now time for forgiveness, which will take time.