At Least ChemoRadiation is Over

Weight: 124.7
Pain: 3/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10

As some of you may already know, I had to spend New Years at the hospital. I was admittted on 12/31 and stayed for 3 days. It was not a pleasant experience at all. Besides having to share the room with another patient, I had to deal with their awful dried-up cafeteria food. I was also hooked up to an IV for those 3 days getting fluids which is a pain to deal with whenever I had to get out of bed. I felt shackled to the IV which caused a lot of phycological stresses in my body. Its hard to explain what I felt like, but I'll try my best. I felt restless in my bed part of the time, especially when lots of blankets are over me - then I'd feel claustrophobic. I also had the sensation of uncontrollable salivary fluid production causing me to swallow in a weird way since I was very hesitant in swallowing my own saliva. It also affected my speech. Very strange experience. This was probably physiological to some degree. That has so far been my worst hospital experience to date. I still feel restless and anxious even now sometimes. I can get very uneasy.

Lately though I'm doing a little better but still feel crappy. I spend most of my time in bed, which is ok to some degree, but I think I'm over doing it. I feel almost half-awake when I'm awake and feel nauseated half the time. I still vomit quite a bit although not as much as when I was at the hospital. I've been going a lot of worrying and crying as well with my close family members. It feels great getting things out in th open, even though things may not even be solved.

The thing that worries me the most is whether I'll make it through this and if so how much pain will I have to endure. Surgery is the last battle for me, and will be the toughest of the three.

Currently though, my daily struggles are as basic as eating and finding the energy to do simple things (like update this blog). I'm taking lots of pain medications including the fentenal patch which pretty much makes me tired all the time. I'm taking the pain medications because I get severe pain when eating - which I assume is from the radiation. Its a little bit worrisome because one of the radiation oncologist told me that there isn't any pain receptors where I've been radiation so he's not sure why I'm experiencing this pain. What else can it be? I'm just worried that the pain might be elsewhere where it should not be. Anyways, it is hell going through suffering like this everyday - it really stresses my body out and I just find myself breaking down at times crying. Its tough, really tough. Finding ways to cope with it have been partially successfull - my mom and sister are great when it comes to support. I feel like I'm even more closer to them then ever before. I love them so much. I'm also still going to the support groups, which helps to a limited degree - it feels comforting to know that other people are going through the same kinds of struggles as I'm going through as well - that I'm not alone in this.

My daily activities have been quite limited because of what I've been going through - mainly because of the pain and fatigue. I pretty much sleep and eat and go on short walks.When I can, I go on the treadmill and walk even more or go somewhere scenic and walk there. I also stretch - as much as I can I try to avoid muscle atrophy. I miss doing my regular activities, however, like going to work and having a "normal" life.

Yes, I miss all you people at work - all you BBTV folks, you're still on my mind.