More Chemo In My Future

I had a meeting with my oncologist a few days ago discussing my current state after surgery. He pretty much summed up that everything I am going through is normal - the coughing, shortness of breath, tiredness, and some breathing issues. The thing is, I wasn't told this before surgery; oh well, at least its "normal" and will only have to deal with these symptoms for another 2-3 months.

My oncologist also recommended that I do more chemo (I'm guessing for another 6 weeks). And its not because of anything in my pathology report, which, by the way, he said was a "good" result. He said that its because that I'm mainly young and could handle it - that he'd like to be as aggressive as possible. I'm down with it. The problem that I have is that he's not totally sure that the chemo that I will take (called taxotere) would be effective. Sure, taxotere was what I was getting with radiation with successfully shrunk down the tumor, but he's not sure if it was the taxotere alone that was responsible for the shrinkage or the radiation. So I'll be taking taxotere with no guarantees that it would do anything. I remember my experiences with taxotere were pretty unpleasant - nausea, vomiting, tiredness, and the dreadful hair loss. I've grown back much of my hair since I shaved it many months ago and I just might have to do it again. Ug! Well, that'll be in 3-4 weeks or so. That's when I'm supposed to start my chemo treatments again. He first wants me to recover more from surgery before starting chemo.

As for everything else going on with me, I'm doing "ok' - better than 2 weeks ago, at least. The pneumonia is pretty much gone thanks to some antibiotics. I still cough quite a bit but not as much, my voice is still hoarse and barely understandable (which is extremely annoying when I have to talk to people), breathing is still a problem (I can't take in full breaths) which leads me to be easily tired. One bit of good news is that my resting pulse rate is down to the low 100s (from 130-140 many weeks ago).

I'm stating to do some easy exercises like stretching and slow walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I think this will help me improve my cardio and pulmonary systems, not to mention get rid of some depression.

Mentally, I've been just "hanging on" to what I can. I've been through bouts of depression (I think I need something stronger than paxil) but I try to fight it off with just going outside, watching movies, exercising, or playing some computer games. In the Kübler-Ross model of grief, I believe I'm at the mid-point of depression and acceptance. It's been over 7 months since my diagnosis and I thing I should be over it by now, don't you think? I guess it varies for different people. I frequently go back to the "anger" stage because I really think that "ITS NOT FAIR". And its not fair. But people always say "Life is never fair". Screw that! This is CANCER we're talking about. There is no justification for anyone to suffer through cancer - especially at a young age! Damnit! I already lost my father though lung cancer when I was 17. Talk about unfair?!? HOW UNFAIR CAN YOU GET? This is life and death we're talking about - this is serious shit.

I used to be a pretty fit person before cancer. I religiously went to the gym 5 days a week, ate pretty healthy, and felt great! At work my group used to run up and down the 16 floors of our building for exercise each day - I was the first one up every time. Now, I can barely manage the 3 floors at my apartment building and being out of breath - and this is taking a small break at each floor. That's just an example of some serious changes I have to contend with. I always prided myself on my physical abilities and of my good health before cancer, because as many say, no matter how bad things got, I'd always say "hey, I still have my good health". But obviously that no longer is the case. There is almost nothing for me to fall back on; something that I can really depend on, you know? And that is just plain UNFAIR, and angers me very much. I'm currently searching for replacements and so far I have my family, friends, and the people at my work that care about me.

(Please excuse all the bitching...)

Thank you all for your support.


...Live Strong...