Thinking Of Not Going Through With It

Weight: 126 (lowest: 121)
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 7/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

Its really starting to hit me now. My surgery is getting closer and closer each day and I've been having LOTS of anxiety over it. Its making me quite depressed and its just tough going through with this.

I've been thinking of not going through with the surgery. I can't seem to deal with the aftermath of it: removal of my entire esophagus and 1/3 of my stomach, having my stomach stretched and making a new esophagus out of that, dealing with a J-Tube (feeding tube directly in my intestine for several weeks). I'll also have to deal with the life-long change of eating smaller meals - meaning losing more weight.

I know the consequences of not going through with it are pretty dire. But is the small percentage of recovery worth it for that much suffering?

I've been reading other people's stories online, here is what they have to say:
http://www.esophagealcancer.org/cancerstory.html
http://cancerguide.org/emitchell_story.html


I have a meeting with my oncologist today so I'll be asking him what he thinks of me not going through with surgery.

Some Serious Insomnia

Weight: 126
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

I haven't been sleeping much lately - for the past 6 days, actually; only about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Why? It's because of my impending surgery. I just can't stop thinking about it. Its always on my mind and its driving my crazy. I'm taking some medications to help calm my down as well as some relaxation teas and they seem to work ok. But just imagine how serious this surgery will be!!! Maybe I'm thinking that it'll be more than it really is and that I'm just worried for nothing. But I admit - I'm a BIG wimp when it comes to this surgery. I'm not afraid of the actual procedure or even dying on the table - I'll be asleep the whole time and without pain. But what I am afraid of is waking up after and the next 6 days of stay in the hospital. I hate staying over at the hospital. I'll have tubes and wires all over me - I'm so damn scared! ARG!!

Cancer Music

Weight: 125
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 2/10

As promised, here's my compiled list of tracks that I now often listen to. My "Cancer Fighting Music". I highly recommend these tracks to lift up your spirits when your down.

Russell Watson - Where My Heart Will Take Me
- Theme of "Star Trek Enterprise"; very, very, very inspiring. The big bonus is that its from Star Trek!!!

Diana Ross - I Will Survive
- Nuf said.

Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger
- pumps me up

Smashing Pumpkins - A Killer In Me
- luv the pumpkins. Title fits quite nicely in my situation. I feel like I need to remind myself of this.

Naughty By Nature - Everythings Gonna Be Alright
- oldie but still very good. Its about surviving in the worst of times. Also very inspiring.

Bette Midler - From A Distance
- I just LOVE this song.

Scandal - The Warrior
- Quite upbeat.

Refreshments - Down Togther
- Very playful, upbeat

Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
- I feel like I'm flying with Tom Cruise on this one. =). Its also upbeat.

Mariah Carey - When You Believe
- Gives hope in hopeless situations. Just believe.

Bobby Mcferrin - Don't Worry Be Happy
- I worry WAY TOO much. Too bad this guy doesn't mention cancer in the lyrics.

2Pac - Changes
- My man 2pac. I feel his passion to the letter. I need some change in my life.

Let me know if you know of others that should be on this list...

The Good And The Bad

Weight: 124
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 5/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Medications: none

I'll start with the good news first since that seems to be quicker to get out of the way. I just got an email from my oncologist last night regarding my latest PET/CT scan (which was done last Thursday). The prognosis is that the tumor has shrunk. Yep, certainly good news! Looks like the combo of radiation and Taxotere/5FU did the trick. I haven’t read the doctors' report yet like I usually do with my PET/CT readings so I don’t know exactly how much it had shrunk. All I know is that there was significant shrinkage but the tumor is still there (but at least has not spread). This means that I’m pretty much guaranteed surgical resection in the very near future.

So that’s the good news. The bad news, however is that I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and been crying spontaneously throughout the day. I’m not exactly sure why I’m depressed – perhaps it’s the fact that I now have to face surgery. Waking up with tubes and wires connected all over my body with cuts to my abdomen and neck not to even mention the pain that I would experience scares me half to death. The 6-week recovery after surgery is also very disconcerting to me. I can't imagine going through with that kind of situation. I even considered not going through with the surgery since it sounds that bad to me. I realize though that it would be very foolish of me not to go through with it.

Its so easy for everyone else to say "stay positive", but you guys don't know just HOW DIFFICULT my situation is. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. I'm amazed I've made it this far. God help me survive the 6-week hell I'll be going through.

Learning To Forgive Myself

Most people who develop cancer usually don't know what caused them to develop cancer. There are some situations, however, like smoking that increases the chances of lung cancer. But for the unfortunate, cancer just comes without a warning and no provocation. Its no surprise that such people often wonder what they did in their past that might have triggered their cancer. I'm no different. I have a very, very good theory as to my own cause of cancer.

As most of you know, I'm a pretty shy person and quite introverted at times. This was especially true during my teen years. While most kids usually go to parties or whatever, I'd usually be stuck either at the computer hacking away, watching Star Trek, or busy building electronic circuits (one of my other hobbies). Its the latter that I think caused my disease. I loved playing with electronics when I was a kid and it eventually grew to a serious hobby where I would end up making my own circuit boards. Radio Shack used to be shop of choice back then (now its Fry's Electronics - obviously) =). Don't worry, it doesn't get nerdier than this. If your new to electronics, creating your own circuit board requires the use of an echant which would etch away some copper to reveal connections on the board. Ferric Chloride is one popular etching fluid. Well, one day while I was working I accidentally spilled the whole bottle of the stuff on my room's carpet - just totally saturating it. I tried to soak up most of the stuff but it was tough to get out. I ended up covering it with a rug so that my parents wouldn't find out what happened (that stain could not be removed). I left it that way for months - I'm not exactly sure since its been so long about (it could even have been years). Whatever what was left started fuming up in my room so much so that it left a dark stain on my ceiling right above where the stain on the carpet was. I was breathing in those toxic fumes while I was sleeping for months or years! I never thought nothing of it. Cancer never crossed my mind.

Although there is no fact saying that ferric chloride causes cancer (in fact, there is a report that says the opposite), it certainly is highly toxic. This is the only thing I can think of that would cause my cancer. And it was all my fault. And now, I find it extremely difficult to forgive myself of my mistake back then.

Its true that what's done is done...but I still keep thinking about it. It is now time for forgiveness, which will take time.

Feeling Great

Weight: 124
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

I think I developed a dependency to the Fentenyl patch that I've been using for such a long time. I stopped using it about 4 days ago and now my heart-rate is always in the 100s and I have rapid breathing. I also have had a hard time sleeping at night and as wikipedia puts it: "sensations in the legs (and occasionally arms) causing kicking movements which disrupt sleep". So you can probably tell that my pain has stopped since I stopped taking the Fentenyl patch - I'm so relieved, I almost feel like my old self again. Another good news about stopping the Fentenyl patch is that I no longer have constipation - no more waiting 5 days for a bowel movement; I can finally poop again, Yay!

I didn't get a good night sleep last night but for some strange reason I felt great when I woke up. I actually felt really, really good. I almost cried, seriously. Its strange, I know. I felt so great that I just started cleaning up the apartment and getting things straghtened out while listening to "Wham - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"; ya just gotta love George Michael!!

At Least ChemoRadiation is Over

Weight: 124.7
Pain: 3/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10

As some of you may already know, I had to spend New Years at the hospital. I was admittted on 12/31 and stayed for 3 days. It was not a pleasant experience at all. Besides having to share the room with another patient, I had to deal with their awful dried-up cafeteria food. I was also hooked up to an IV for those 3 days getting fluids which is a pain to deal with whenever I had to get out of bed. I felt shackled to the IV which caused a lot of phycological stresses in my body. Its hard to explain what I felt like, but I'll try my best. I felt restless in my bed part of the time, especially when lots of blankets are over me - then I'd feel claustrophobic. I also had the sensation of uncontrollable salivary fluid production causing me to swallow in a weird way since I was very hesitant in swallowing my own saliva. It also affected my speech. Very strange experience. This was probably physiological to some degree. That has so far been my worst hospital experience to date. I still feel restless and anxious even now sometimes. I can get very uneasy.

Lately though I'm doing a little better but still feel crappy. I spend most of my time in bed, which is ok to some degree, but I think I'm over doing it. I feel almost half-awake when I'm awake and feel nauseated half the time. I still vomit quite a bit although not as much as when I was at the hospital. I've been going a lot of worrying and crying as well with my close family members. It feels great getting things out in th open, even though things may not even be solved.

The thing that worries me the most is whether I'll make it through this and if so how much pain will I have to endure. Surgery is the last battle for me, and will be the toughest of the three.

Currently though, my daily struggles are as basic as eating and finding the energy to do simple things (like update this blog). I'm taking lots of pain medications including the fentenal patch which pretty much makes me tired all the time. I'm taking the pain medications because I get severe pain when eating - which I assume is from the radiation. Its a little bit worrisome because one of the radiation oncologist told me that there isn't any pain receptors where I've been radiation so he's not sure why I'm experiencing this pain. What else can it be? I'm just worried that the pain might be elsewhere where it should not be. Anyways, it is hell going through suffering like this everyday - it really stresses my body out and I just find myself breaking down at times crying. Its tough, really tough. Finding ways to cope with it have been partially successfull - my mom and sister are great when it comes to support. I feel like I'm even more closer to them then ever before. I love them so much. I'm also still going to the support groups, which helps to a limited degree - it feels comforting to know that other people are going through the same kinds of struggles as I'm going through as well - that I'm not alone in this.

My daily activities have been quite limited because of what I've been going through - mainly because of the pain and fatigue. I pretty much sleep and eat and go on short walks.When I can, I go on the treadmill and walk even more or go somewhere scenic and walk there. I also stretch - as much as I can I try to avoid muscle atrophy. I miss doing my regular activities, however, like going to work and having a "normal" life.

Yes, I miss all you people at work - all you BBTV folks, you're still on my mind.