Inside The Giant Donut

Weight: 136.2
Pain areas: Throat areas, esp. when swallowing – noticeably more pain than yesterday. Heartburn isn’t as bad now-a-days. Its not really an issue compared to the pain in my throat.
Numbness: Right hand, right foot (only slight when waking up. A little shake and its gone)
General Attitude: Positive

I’m losing so much weight that I’m getting worried. I’m down 0.8lbs from yesterday and down nearly 4lbs 10 days ago. The other concern is my throat – I noticed some white patches in the back of my throat (and some redness). Pain started the morning after my endoscopy with Dr. Ferrell on August 27. Eating is becoming very difficult because of the pain – up to a pain severity of 7 when swallowing. The throat lozenges that Sarah bought for me were a godsend – pain subsides after about a minute.

I just got a call on my cell at 11am saying that UCLA might have a spot for me later today to take my much anticipated PET scan. I can’t wait – best good news today. Now I just have to starve myself for the rest of the day (I can’t have anything to eat before the test). Maybe that’s why I’m losing so much weight?

The PET procedure wasn’t so bad – about 2 hours in all nearly half of which involved just waiting around for the stuff to go through my system. It was actually a PET and CT scan combined into one. I had to swallow some tracer in the form of a smoothie and was injected with a radioactive tracer. I had to wait about 35 minutes for that radioactive substance to be circulated around me system. While in the machine itself I was injected with different contrasts – one of which caused a burning sensation all over my body (which I was told in advance). That makes 4 IVs that I’ve had so far and at least 6 blood tests.

Did I Wet My Bed?

Weight: 136.8 (guess)
Pain areas: Throat areas, esp. when swallowing. Heartburn isn’t as bad now-a-days.
General Attitude: Positive

I spent the day yesterday half at work and half with Brian and Eric golfing (it was my first time). I ended up leaving work early since I felt like it – who in their right mind would stay and fix bugs at work while they’re battling cancer? Its almost unimaginable for me to show up at work in the first place. Vaibhav was right – I should be taking my days off and just relaxing without worrying about work. And so it is. Going golfing was OK – it was a little exhausting for me since I feel noticeably weaker; but I didn’t want to disappoint them by telling them that I couldn’t go.
I woke up today pretty sweaty – but not too sweaty that it soaked the bed. My shirt was pretty moist, however. I could only imagine how moist I would be without the fan blowing towards me. My uvula is very sore now – and so is the back of my throat. Is it from my stomach acid or was it an accident from Dr. Ferrell?
I worry everyday that I might get worse. Its mentally and physically draining; only the people who have been through it really knows how it feels. It is a truly humbling experience – and an extremely life-altering situation that forces one to overlook the petty problems in life (even some big ones). Be it a cliché, but life is really too short to argue about the small things. I’m only beginning to understand this. If there was one person on this Earth who worries about the smallest things that would have been me. Is this my lesson in life?

All Drugged Up

Yesterday was pretty hellish for me. My sister drove me to UCLA for my 2pm appointment and we had to wait about 2 hours for me to see Dr. Ferrell. The worst part was the IV stuck into me (again on my right arm) – that hurt pretty bad; and even if it was in it was pretty uncomfortable. The good thing though was that Brian and Eric came over to see me there. We passed the time chatting (them more than me; I didn’t feel like talking that much – do I ever?) and watching Eric do his magic card tricks.
At the end I was told that I had another biopsy performed on me – and that I would probably need to have a PET scan sometime this week. Its all fine with me. Sarah, Brian, and Eric all know the results now – I told them not to reveal this information to me; even though I have a really good feeling what it is. I don’t even want to say it to myself – or even write it down.
Today my fingers and some toes started to get more noticeably numb – so I kept on moving them around a lot. I guess it could be the sedative they gave me yesterday – I remember hearing that they gave me a lot. I had to go to the bathroom like 5 times just this morning alone. And I felt pretty weak, again probably from the sedative. Went to church this morning at had breakfast at IHOP. I don’t think I’ll be going to work today; Mike is probably expecting me there. I ended up emailing Mike and Vaibhav that I won’t be in today and that I’ll be in tomorrow.
Working out at the gym and taking a swim really felt great – it cleared up a lot of my worries and made me feel more energized. But now I worry that I don’t worry enough.
I noticed a strange feeling around my uvula this morning – like I was able to swallow it. I did a self-examination and found that it might have been accidentally cauterized while Dr. Ferrell was working on me. I don’t really mind – but I just want to confirm it isn’t something serious.
My overall health has been pretty much been the same – but a slight improvement because of the exercise. Swallowing has been noticeable improved probably because of the biopsies that Dr. Ferrell did (I think he made a better pathway for food to go through). Burping has also been improved because of this, but I still have hiccups when swallowing sometimes.

Another Big One Down My Throat

That's right! Today is the big day - I'm getting my ultrasound endoscopy. Today is the day I find out my cancer stage – and I’m not sure what to think. I feel very apprehensive, however. I’ve never felt this nervous before – and I can’t seem to overstate that fact. Physically, I seem to be doing OK – the reflex isn’t that bad (even without taking a Prevacid since yesterday morning). I do get frequent heartburn maybe once an hour or so (or when I try to burp). I did notice some slight numbness on the toes and fingers – like a tingly sensation although it’s probably too minor to say anything about (I’ll mention it to Sarah when I see her – if I remember). And I still feel something on the back of my throat – like its irritated (they tell me it’s the acid, but I dunno). I now realize that I feel alone in what I’m going through even though I have family company with me constantly. I don’t think they realize exactly what I’m going through – it’s very scary. Hopefully I’ll be able to meet other people with what I’m going through.

It is 9:43am and I’m at work. I got here a little before 9am – more than an hour before my regular start time. I didn’t think I should work out today since my procedure is later this day and I didn’t want to screw up the test results from me drinking too much water – or get so hungry that I would have to eat before the test.

I just finished ordering the Sprint EVDO card for my laptop (I think Sarah is right when she said I’ll be using it quite a bit). Joe Franzetta (my boss’s boss) talked with me for a bit – he knows now since Lisa told him. Oh well, everyone will eventually know.

STAY POSITIVE!

Church?

Today my mom took me too church. I haven’t gone in a very long time – far too long to remember when the last time I went was. The mass was not that bad – not too many people that one would get lost in the crowds, and not too small that the pastor would keep staring at you since he would have no other face to look at. It was quite enjoyable. We went to soup plantation afterwards for lunch.

Teach Thy Self

Today I started searching for EC resources on the internet. I was quite surprised that Yahoo groups actually had at least two groups dedicated to EC. Wow! But not only that, one of them showed up as the third result after doing a group search on “cancer”. I signed up immediately.

I emailed Brian and Eric today about my appointment with Dr. Ferrell on Monday, and they told me that they’ll find a way to make it to the test (ultrasound endoscopy), even though they already had important plans – such dedicated friends! I’ll meet them tomorrow at Evalina's birthday party.

I called up Kevin while driving to Sarah’s apartment today – as I promised him yesterday via text message. We chatted about what I was going through and what he thought about the whole thing. He really seemed lost for words to say to me (as I would also be if I were in his position), but I can feel his sympathy towards me which was of course expected. I reminded him again to take a chest x-ray since he smokes pretty heavily and now started coughing while I was on the phone with him. Coughing is not a good sign especially if you’re a smoker. If I can make at least one difference in another’s life then what may happen to me just might be worth it.

There was a letter for me in the mail that I have yet to open – it was a plead for donations from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I bet they got my name from the folks at “The Los Angeles Mission” organization to which I donated money previously. No worries, though. I decided to donate some money to their cause. Some of those kids are in a lot worse position than me and they’re much younger. Those brave soles, they need all the help they can get.

It was move-in day at my sister Sarah’s apartment. It took us quite a while to get things settled just right – since we didn’t exactly agree on the placement of certain furniture and some of my things. But oh well, I shouldn’t really argue since I pay no rent and she’s practically taking care of me. She went ahead and ordered the some faux paper walls to separate her side and my side of the living room while I upgraded her Time Warner Cable Internet to 6Mb/s. This should be fast enough to stream my Slingbox and Netflix videos.

As for my general health, I feel almost no different than yesterday. I still have heartburn attacks every now and then – maybe 30 mins apart or more lasting about 5 seconds a piece (causes me to bend over a bit). I get night sweats when I’m sleeping and woke up about 3:30am – which is the normal time now for me ever since I found out about my EC. Maybe it has to do with my night sweats? I’ve been reading that night sweats are an initial sign of cancer so I’m not too thrilled about that at all. It just confirms everything that the doctor’s told me – that I do have EC. But I think I’m getting better at coming to terms with it. As I told Kevin today, I’d go crazy if I couldn’t come to terms with my condition. I think there is something going on in my throat as well – I can feel something there (perhaps from the acid reflux??). But it is not good since one of my doctors did say that my throat should also be biopsied. I also still have trouble swallowing and get Everything else seems to be going OK. I guess it helps to realize that what I’m going through is only temporary – it’ll end one way or another and that we all die eventually. Way, way back in Junior High School I became physically sick because I worried so much that I will eventually die. I didn’t know what to expect – and worried about that unknown. My mom was worried for me since I (I think) came down with a fever or something but it was all about me facing my eventual demise on Earth. Now-a-days, even before I started seeing Dr. Houston, that I understand and accept that everyone lives a limited time. Its nature, and that it must happen. Now, after realizing that I just may have more limited time than I originally had planned, it is somewhat difficult to accept – although it’s not as bad as my way of thinking in Junior High. The road ahead is indeed very difficult and although I know that I’m not alone in this journey, I must go through with it.

In The Begining

I was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma of the esophagus on August 21, 2007, a very potentially deadly (and extremely rare) form of cancer that effects (on average) people in their 50’s-70’s. I am 28 years old. They say that this type of cancer is mostly contributed to cigarette smoking and chronic alcohol exposure (for Squamous Cell) or GERD (for adenocarcinoma). Truth be told, I had smoked a total of less than 5 cigarettes in my whole life thus far and only drank alcohol during college – and even then it was only for a social matter (minus a couple of days of extreme drinking added together; it is almost impossible to graduate from a university without this prerequisite – especially for a guy). I also have no recollection of having any serious/constant acid reflex. I had a regular work-out routine for about 5 years (of which the last two years were 5-day-a-week 1-2 hour sessions at the gym). I had lost about 25 pounds during that time and was the hardest goal I had ever achieved; I really wanted a lean yet ‘”cut” body. I mostly got the lean part down and still working on the muscles. I eat relatively healthy (I think) – the last two years involved mostly oatmeal and orange juice for breakfast – to which my co-workers can easily testify to. So how does a person like me get this type of cancer? Unfortunately, medical science is not yet advanced enough to answer this question definitively. I work so hard to maintain a healthy body, but there are just some things you or anybody else can control.

I guess my story really begins when my symptoms started appearing. I would have to say it started late June when I started seeing my Primary Care Physician, Dr. Houston. The insurance I have at work is a PPO which allows us to see any doctor that we like. Believe it or not, I was originally more concerned about my lungs so I went to see a Pulmonologist. On the very first visit we discussed a lot of different concerns that I had – mostly focused on my lungs, maybe about 5 minutes were only devoted to my difficulty burping. So the ball started rolling from there – in a few days after that office visit I was to have a chest x-ray, breathing tests, and blood and urine tests. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of tests performed on me – I don’t remember any other time in my life where I had that many tests. The results of all of this were considered “almost normal”, this is, for a person living in the heavily polluted Los Angeles area (my lung capacity was not considered normal for the average person). My chest x-ray was fine, I was extremely relieved. But I was a bit disappointed – I was expecting myself to be above average since I do cardio workouts 5 days a week. But oh well, Dr. Houston told me that it wasn’t THAT bad – that I probably wouldn’t notice the decreased lung capacity unless I was an Olympic gymnast or professional runner. My concern about my burping was all but lost in the mayhem of tests.

On my return appointment with Dr. Houston, I opened up more to my problem of being unable to burp properly (note that I did not say ‘problem swallowing’). We discussed exactly what I was feeling and where I thought the problem could be. I believed at that time that it was in my throat and somehow constricted my ability to burp. I’m glad he listened, even though it wasn’t his specialty (and I didn’t feel like seeing another doctor since he’s that good). He ordered a swallowing evaluation test for me with a speech therapist. This procedure involves me swallowing “radioactive” food while the doctors scan me using x-rays while I swallow. One of the doctors (who I don’t know his name), asked me why I was having this procedure done and also wanted to know my age. I told him it was because of my difficulty burping and that I was 28. He told me that it was highly unusual for a person like me taking this test – that I should be in tip-top shape. The test was done with me swallowing some tasty sweet smoothie and some crackers with some cream on top. It tasted yummy – too bad it was radioactive. The test went well with no complications – it couldn’t have gone any more perfect than that. I felt no problems with my burping to which I felt really bummed about since I now look like I was just making the whole thing up to all those doctors. But I knew something was up with me and wanted to know what it was.

On my next appointment with Dr. Houston, we went through the results of my swallowing eval. Since the test results appeared clean, I ended up changing my story and told him that whatever it was that it might be in my stomach. I guess he believed me and suggested that I should get an abdominal ultrasound and then an endoscopy – in which a scope would be placed down my throat. I agreed; it was a full-proof way of finding out what was happening inside of me.