Living Life With Cancer

A Battle Lost to Heaven's Rewards

2008-10-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

To all who knew Joe and/or have admired his strength and bravery:

Thank you for all of your support and love, but unfortunately Joe will no longer be updating his Blog. After an arduous and insurmountable battle, Joe has claimed his reward in heaven.

Though Joe may live in our hearts, he will be truly missed. Be joyful for he has found true happiness in his new life.

For more information, please contact his sister Sarah at sjesena@gmail.com. Also, please mention how you knew Joe. With sincere thanks.

Oh, The Agony

2008-09-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

It was NOTHING like the two thorasentesis I had before. The pain after the procedure would normally wear off within 2-4 hours, but this has so far lasted past 12 hours and at a higher pain grade. To top it all off, I ran out of my primary pain medication and was a huge hassle to get another bottle.

As for taking video of the procedure, we did, until one of the medical directors came in and confiscated my SD card. Apparently, the management wants to know before you start filming anything in the hospital. I deleted the video files just for that day - since that's what I excepted him to do anyways, but to also relieve some fault of responsibility to the nurses and the doctor that allowed us to film it. It was some really awesome footage of the best very high-tech procedure rooms I've ever seen. This was at UCLA's new Ronald Regan hospital.

A little over a litter was removed again, but this time through the new catheter. This now makes 3 implants in my body.

And did I mention it HURT?!?! The majority of my left side hurts and also whenever I take in a deep breathe - I can feel the pain coming from my insides.

I was told that I have to drain the plural space everyday for a couple weeks or so...and hopefully it'll be much better at that point.

I guess one good thing that happened today is my purchase of Crysis Warhead - a computer game that I've been waiting for for quite a while. My next "absolute-must-have" game would be "StarCraft II" which should hopefully be released by years' end.

Getting Another Catheter Installed

2008-09-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'll have a Pleurx Catheter installed for me to easily drain the fluid around my lungs. It's similar to the way they do the a thorancentesis, but it requires a different kind of doctor.

While I'm getting the procedure, they're going to drain another 1000cc of fluid that has accumulated since my last thorancentesis - that's about 2750cc of fluid so far!

I actually had about 4 or 5 choices to deal with the fluid build-up - one would have involved not-so-minor surgery, which I did not want. Going the catheter route seemed the easiest and less painful method.

After The Procedure

2008-09-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

The procedure went better than last time - not as painful. The worst part before was the sudden evacuation of the fluid which caused a painful pressure differential. This time I told them to do it very slowly, for my lungs to get used to it.

The total amount of fluid removed was 1000cc. Two weeks ago it was 750cc. If fluid keeps collecting, I just might need to get a catheter that I can drain myself.

If you want to see the actual procedure done on me, check this link out. It was taken by my Hi-Def camera, but obviously YouTube has certain bandwidth constrains so quality is just "OK".

ACk! Not Again!!!

2008-09-18T18:31:00.001-07:00

Had another chest x-ray today at my weekly doctor's appointment for the clinical study that I'm in. It revealed even more fluid around my lungs than last time. I have an appointment for tomorrow for another thoracentesis. My oncologist thinks that this may happen again so he suggested that I get a semi-permanent catheter installed for me to drain the fluid myself. This will be done probably next week. All this is most-likely due to the cancer that has spread around my lungs.

The endoscopy that I had a few days ago went OK - everything looked basically normal from what the gastroenterologist could see.

I'll try and take my own video of the procedure (in High Def!) if they'll let me.

Here's a good resource that I found.

What's On My Desktop

2008-09-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

Or rather, what's my desktop background?

This is currently my desktop background - character images from the game FFXI Online. I stole some images from another wallpaper but the two Red Mage images are direct game renderings of my own character. The complete Red Mage "Artifact Armor" Relic Set (sometimes called AF2 gear) took over a year to get and its one of the best armor sets in the game for the "Red Mage" job/class.

The desktop that I have at work shows a picture of the starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D; the one used in ST: TNG.

I've also had background images of Gixxer bikes before I bought the real thing. And let me tell you, it looks much better sitting in my garage than on display on my desktop.

Joe's New Tech Toy

2008-09-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

I finally came to my senses and bought myself a Canon HF10 Camcorder. This thing captures both picture and video in AVC H.264 at 1080i! Wonderful high definition clarity! It arrived last week and have been playing around with it for some time.

I took some sample shots of me on my bike by the use of a newly purchased camcorder mount for sport-bikes. The one thing that I over-looked was that my windshield was smoked - and so that would mean the video would be darkened and distorted. You'll just have to see it [here] to see how bad it looks.

I also have a video of before and after of my recent endoscopy (they wouldn't let me actually take video of the procedure).

note: I'll be uploading the videos soon...

Dinner With The BBTV Team

2008-09-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

One of our talented Software Engineer - Miguel (the guy in the right rear of the picture). Decided to leave TandbergTV ("Part of the Ericsson Group"). This was just a celebration in his honor for all the hard work he's done. He's been there from the very start of Zetools (the company I used to work for) and on through with the 3 company acquisitions.

Two people who are not in the picture, but still part of the "Broadband Television Team" are: Joe Franzetta and Brian Ring.

Honerable mentions go to Qing Li and Kelly Taylor who used to be part of the BBTV software engineering team.

Come visit us often for lunch, Miguel...... =)

Thoracentesis

2008-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

This is the procedure for removing fluid from the pleural space due to a pleural effusion. (I'm beginning to feel like a real doctor, lol)

I just had mine just a few hours ago. After prepping the surface of my back, they injected some numbing medication - lidocaine - in between some ribs where they would insert the catheter. In goes the catheter and ending up in the pleural space. They used an ultrasound machine to know exactly where the catheter is at in any moment. Then they start draining the fluid; first into 4 or 5 test tubes then to a large glass bottle to hold the rest. Total volume of liquid removed? 800ml! Yes, that's almost the same amount in a coke bottle! I could not believe it.

How did it feel? The insertion of the catheter and initial needle poke was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt a few minutes into the fluid being removed. As the fluid is being extracted, it creates a vacuum in the pleural space since there is nothing to replace the space that was being taken up by the fluid. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and felt that my lungs were being sucked in from the inside. That hurt so much, but it really would depend on how much fluid that was removed. It would take a few hours or so till my insides stretch out so that I wouldn't feel any pain.

Next, they're going to analyze the fluid to see what exactly it is and hopefully come up with a diagnosis on what caused this.

800mL! Geeez!

If you want to see what it looks like, click here. This is another guy getting the same procedure.

First Day Of New Treatment

2008-09-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

I showed up for my first day of treatment - a phase 2 clinical trial meant for gastric cancer. Its in a pill form - of which I have to take 4 a day everyday for the next month or so.

Since this is a trial, I have to undergo several tests - unrine, blood, blood pressure, EKG, weight, etc... pretty frequently. I also have to keep a small diary of the medications I take, the time and date, and the side effects that happen.

I told my oncologist that I've lately been feeling tired and short of breath so he had be do a chest x-ray just to make sure everything was ok. To my surprise, there was a substantial amount of fluid around my lungs. I'm scheduled to have the fluid removed tomorrow. How you may ask they would do this? With a big long needle, of course! =0(

Stand Up To Cancer

2008-09-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

Mark your calendars because this Friday (Sept 5) at 8PM PT/ET there is the "Stand Up To Cancer" 2-hour telethon on all major networks.

Stand Up To Cancer

More than 60 celebrities will participate in Stand Up to Cancer, a live fund- and awareness-raising television special that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC and CBS.

Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, Jack Black, Sheryl Crow, Ellen DeGeneres, Jennifer Garner, Diane Keaton, Rob Lowe, Sharon Osbourne, Keanu Reeves and Carrie Underwood are among the stars set to appear, it was announced Wednesday.

They'll join previously announced participants including Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson, Lance Armstrong, America Ferrera, Meryl Streep, Charlize Theron and Forest Whitaker.

The celebrities, along with network news anchors Katie Couric, Charles Gibson and Brian Williams, will deliver an evening of "edutainment," said executive producer Laura Ziskin, a cancer survivor who helped establish the event and the nonprofit group behind it.

Confessions on...

2008-08-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

...cheating the system.

It has been a very long and important interest of mine to experiment with and to create an artificial intelligence. I remember way back when I was about 14 or so I created a very primitive simulation of A.I. All it did was transform the input into a question. So for example if you gave the stimulus request of "I love to run", it might provide the response of "Why do you love to run?" Or if given "Are you a human or a computer", it might respond with "Why do you think I'm a human or a computer". Of course, this technique does not work in all instances. But it does the trick a good portion of the time.

Alan Turing, a leading computer scientist in his day (some say he actually created the discipline), poised a question that went something like this: "if you are, as a human, unable to determine if you are chatting online with another person or with a machine, and if you really were chatting with a machine, would that machine be then said to have consciousness and to think?" So called is the test named after him - the "Turing Test" (all computer science grads know what this is; if you are one and didn't know, shame on you). A machine is said to pass the Turing test (to have intelligence) if it can fool a human into thinking it was another human just by chatting with him/her. So in a way, he began the foundations of Artificial Intelligence.

Combining my interest in online gaming, specifically FFXI, AI, and my somewhat lazy nature, I decided to create a "bot" that would do the dull and repetitious tasks in the game. I made a bot that would kill mobs (monsters) to gain experience points as a way of "leveling up." I actually started botting in the game 2 years ago but interest dropped and then there was cancer. I've recently gotten back into it and the game as a way to keep myself busy.

Just recently I've made another bot that would transport players to other parts of the virtual world - for in-game money in exchange. A big problem to this type of bot is that it requires a lot of interaction with other players. People consider it cheating and is against the terms-of-use agreement of the game. If you're caught you could be reported to a GM (Game Master - law enforcers in the game world; in FFXI, they are hired by the company) and could possibly have the ban hammer dropped on you. So, it should be quite obvious to have a need of a good AI. Enter the world of online chatbots - bots available online for your chatting amusements (did you know that there is a "God" bot? Truly makes for some interesting confessions I would think). One of the most famous chatbot is ALICE. It has won the Loebner Prize several times over in the past and developed by Dr. Wallace who also developed AIML (dialect of XML containing LOTS of stimulus-response pairs). A site which hosts AIML files and makes available a web-service for processing chat requests, Pandorabots.com, was the key to my FFXI AI bot. A lot of time was spent on modifying the default set of chat requests and responses to contour to the lingo of the game. But not only that, the default set simulates an intelligent robot - and I wanted a simulation of an intelligent person. So if you were to ask it "Are you a real person?", it would respond with "No, I'm a real robot." This actually did happen in-game during testing of my bot. Fortunately for me, the other player thought it was being sarcastic and she responded with "was just checking sorry." I thought that was VERY funny. LOL. I keep modifying the AIML files whenever an inappropriate response is given. It's getting "smarter."

As far as I know, I'm the first person to integrate an external AI entity pretending to be a real person in an online virtual game that interacts with other online players (and that works decently). Most (if not all) of the bots in existence do not interact with other players; in fact, they avoid other players to avoid from getting caught. I eventually plan to confess my botting to a popular FFXI site, just hoping to get famous...or infamous (LOL) before I die. I hope word would then spread to other gaming sites that things like this is possible and is happening. I totally understand that dispersing this knowledge would initially have severe in-game social and financial consequences as more and more people would be doing this (can you say inflation?). How cool would it be to be the one responsible for single-handedly simultaneously crashing the financial markets of multiple virtual worlds?!?! My account would probably be canceled. And I imagine this idea would spread to other games. So I have to apologize to some friends and a cousin of mine who already play another MMORPG - "sorry to ruin the game for ya." LOL.

But seriously, I think it is a good thing in the long run. I believe it will spur innovations in online gaming AI and the AI community in general. Imagine playing an online game with a bunch of intelligent bots and not even know it! I predict that this will become reality in the not-too-distant future. It's like THE classic sci-fi film "Bladerunner" but in a virtual game world. Instead of the 'bladerunners,' you got the GMs to worry about. How would you be able to tell the bots apart from the real thing?

Go ahead and ponder on this for a moment. In the mean time, I'll continue on making virtual money while I sleep. LOL.

Now this is the ultimate application of the Turing test!

If you want to chat with my bot, you can go here. Go wild! =)

... be forewarned, the site keeps a log of your chatting!! And I can see them (but not from who, though)! LOL.

Edit: Ok, someone beat me to it: http://sl-devcorner.blogspot.com/2007/04/second-life-alice-bot-chat.html. Oh well.

Fun And Amusement

2008-08-26T08:43:00.001-07:00

For a break from the regular news...

I was just watching the History channel just this morning and they had a piece on the evolution of the digestive system. How interesting, I thought. But what really knocked my socks off (if I had them on to begin with), was a machine that emulated the digestion process of a human - from start to, uh, ... end. They call it 'cloaca' and is considered (really) as a piece of art. So of course I just had to research more about this machine on google, just for the "how do they do it" answer, of course. LOL.

I came upon a website - I kid you not - www.poopreport.com. Boy did I get a laugh out of that. What was even better was their article of cloaca. The author is funny as he is articulate. A must read. =). Also read the comments - they're hilarious as heck.

Next, I came upon a you-tube video. Now this REALLY takes the cake. LOL. It sure made my day.

I hope you had a good laugh. I sure did.

New Treatment Protocol

2008-08-21T16:00:00.001-07:00

I had two options for treatment: go on a phase 2 clinical study of a drug, or more chemo. My Onc recommended the phase 2 clinical trial (it was his study). He said that if that did not work that I can continue on with chemo but that I just couldn't take the clinical drug later on if I decide on not doing it now.

The drug doesn't have a name but has a code of GSk1363089 (XL880) - administered orally to subjects with metastatic gastric cancer. It is designed to inhibit the growth of blood vessels in tumors. It is hoped that by limiting the tumor's blood supply, we can limit the growth of the cancer cells. It is not approved by the FDA.

So that's it. I have to take this drug once a day for 2 months. They say it will have limited side affects (mainly tiredness and diarrhea). If this does not work then I go back on chemo (although a different one).

One Year Later...

2008-08-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

I just realized that today is my first anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I remember it as if it was only a few days ago - very vividly. Things like this you really don't forget.

Now I'm headed to my oncologist to discuss my treatment options.... stay tuned.

Thanks For The Emails

2008-08-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

I've gotten emails from a lot of you and just wanted to say thanks.

I don't think I'll be able to reply to any of them soon just because I don't want to think about my situation a whole lot.

I've got a doctor's appointment later today to discuss my options for treatment. I guess I'll take it from there and post results after.

In the mean time, have a look at my trip pictures over the weekend at Niagra Falls...

The "BIG Talk"

2008-08-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

So today is my chemo/doctor's appointment.

Me and my oncologist (with my family) went over my PET/CT scan results from last Thursday. I'm sorry to say that the results were not good. According to the scans, the tumors have grown to be highly visible on the PET with two definite spots on my liver. The really surprising thing is that a couple of small spots also showed up around the "plural lining of my lung" (I could be mis-quoting my doc). In short, the cancer has grown and spread. I'm "officially incurable" at this point, he added. Surgery and radiation are no longer options for me (because the cancer has spread). More chemo and clinical trials are whats next for me. He'll be changing my chemo from Taxotere since that didn't seem to have any affect on the tumor, although he doesn't know what it'll be yet. He'll present my case at his "tumor group" with other doctors next week to get some recommendations and I'll have a meeting with him next Thursday to go over my options.

How do I feel? I feel relatively calm considering the news. I've prepared myself very well, I think, but never thought of it going anywhere else but my liver. So yeah, that sucks. I've thought about it (receiving bad news) a lot for some weeks, actually, so its not totally unexpected. But I guess now it's reality for me and I'll just have to deal with it.

I didn't have chemo today (doctor recommended) and instead went back to work - I gotta keep my mind on something else.

Boy, now I'm really glad I bought that new bike.

Another PET/CT Scan

2008-08-08T10:53:00.001-07:00

Had a PET/CT scan yesterday. I'm refusing to know the results until my next chemo round (which will be next Tuesday). I wouldn't want to potentially ruin my weekend....

It was routine as usual, although the wait was much longer than I anticipated.

Bike Pix

2008-08-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a few pix of my new bike...

Some mods I've put in:

1. H.I.D. Headlight 8000K temp
2. Puig Smoked Windscreen (I still got the plastic covering on it)
3. Shogun Frame Sliders
4. Stompgrips (Tank Grips)
5. SpeedoHealer from HealTech
6. Carbon Fiber Stickers on: Gauges, Gas tank cover, Tank
7. Rear Fender Eliminator (D.I.Y)
8. Pazzo 'Shorty' Racing Levers (navy blue w/ red adjusters)
9. GPS mount
10. Blind spot mirrors

Next upgrade would be a new exhaust...

Another Round Of Chemo

2008-07-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

Just had another dose of chemo this morning....everything went quite normal except that I was quite nauseated even before the chemo started. Afterwards, I was drowsy as normal (from the benadryl). I had to take the day off from work today (also did the same yesterday) since I'm not feeling that well.

I spoke to the people at the doctor's office regarding my next PET/CT scan - they said they'll get back to me soon. I was supposed to have it two weeks ago and now I'm feeling kinda anxious.

Did you feel the quake this morning? I sure did! I was sitting in the chemo lounge getting chemo when it happened.

RIP, Randy Pausch

2008-07-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

I just learned this morning that the famous 'Last Lecture' professor Randy Pausch had just passed away from pancreatic cancer. We'll miss you!

As for myself, I'm doing OK - I only seem to have problems the 3rd and 4th day after chemo (which is every other week). I'm still on supplemental feedings every night through my feeding tube. I stopped taking it for a while but I then started to lose weight so now I'm back on. I'm supposed to have another scan this week but they never called to setup my appointment. I'll have to give their office a call and check up about that.

Nothing much else to report other than I'm really enojoying my ride to work on my GSXR600 (when I'm on my off weeks from chemo, of course). I ride about 30 miles each way on the 405 and it sure beats being stuck in traffic with the cars - I usually end up on the car-pool lane or lane-splitting between cars. Its a huge time-saver for me.

Sold Old Bike

2008-07-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

Just sold my Ninja 250. Here is me on the bike right when I sold it.

Back To Work!

2008-06-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

Went back to work today....nothing much else to say.

Feelin' 'normal'.

A Day At The Track

2008-06-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I took a day-long class at the "California Superbike School" where they teach the "Art of Cornering" for sportbikes. It was taught by Keith Code (founder of the school as well as author of the 'Twist Of The Wrist' book series) as well as his other instructors. The class that I attended was at the 'Streets of Willow Springs' race track (they also have classes that are on other tracks world-wide) - which is about an hour north of Los Angeles in what seems to be in the middle of the dessert. I was pretty impressed with the school and with how they dispersed their lessons - very effective. Although, I wish it was more track-time than classroom time. =)

The downside of it all I'd say was my crash on turn 14 (right before the straight-away) which happened as a result of me skidding out from going on the sand (my turn was too wide). I wasn't hurt (just a very minor sprain on my right wrist and a scratch on my pinkie). I rented out their full-body leathers and boots which worked really well. The bike (it was their bike that I rented), however, suffered cracks in the fairings which I had to pay for (big, big OUCH!). The other downside was that I had to leave early cuz of the extreme heat (remember, it was in the desert and I was in full leathers) and my body wasn't at 100% cuz of surgery. I missed a few hours of class but I think I got mostly what I needed from it.

The upside was that I learned to lean the bike enough to almost drag a knee on (I think) turn 4!

In all, I had a good time my first time on a track.

Changing subjects, I just might be on TV! Yup! I was shopping around the Burbank mall today when I apparently entered onto a set RIGHT when they were filming after exiting off the elevator to the third floor (the food court) in my motorcycle gear! They wanted me to fill out a release waiver (which I gladly did). I was like "what the hell is going on?!?". Now that I think about it, they might not use me in their video as I looked directly into the camera for about a second and cuz I looked out-of-place with my gear on. But what excellent timing on my part! LOL.

3rd Chemo Went Well

2008-06-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

I had chemo yesterday - everything went well. Even my blood counts went up due to me taking Neupogen injections (inceases white cell count).

Today, however, I had to spend 4 hours in the emergency room to get another J-tube inserted into me (my other one fell out while I was shopping at Fry's). I tried inserting it myself after I got back home but it just would not go back in - and blood started coming out as I tried forcing it in. And yeah, it did hurt.

Live Strong.

Chemo News

2008-05-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

I had chemo again on Tuesday even though my blood counts were still low (white cells as well as other blood components were low). I'm taking injections of 'nupegen' to increase my white blood cells. So far so good - not much nausea as before (2 weeks ago) since I had a lower dose this time around. My oncologist also told me that he'll be changing my schedule to every other week to help with the nausea.

As for my new bike, I'm already at 100 miles on the odometer. So far I've installed HID lighting and frame sliders on the bike. =)

Go Speedracer!

2008-05-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I got my new bike today! =) .....and I absolutely LOVE it!

I test rode it and was totally amazed at its speed. It's acceleration is totally phenomenal! I rode it on the freeway and just a few seconds after entering the on-ramp I was already going 116. Acceleration was so high that my ass lifted off the seat and I had to grip the handle bars really tight just to keep myself on the bike! LOL. The only higher G's I've experienced would be roller-coasters. But, its just as much fun. =)

I'm actually glad I started off with a lower-end bike (Ninja 250). A 600cc sportsbike (or higher) is really too much bike for a beginner.

The downside is that now when I drive my car, it feels slower than before. =/

My New Toy

2008-05-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

As a belated birthday present for myself, I bought a new Suzuki GSX-R600 today! =) It's blue and white - the one I've been wanting for over a year and it's finally MINE! I had it delivered so its going to arrive tomorrow; I can't wait!!

The down side of getting this bike is that the insurance is insane! Complete coverage is four times as much as my car! But since the theft rate for gixxers are really high I think it must might be worth it. I also have lojack installed with the early warning system - any unauthorized movement will page my phone (and send an email). I think thats kinda cool.

As for my health, it seems that my blood counts are pretty low. When I went in for my chemo on Tuesday my oncologist said that they hadto cancel my chemo for this week cuz it was THAT low. The nausea last Thursday was pretty intense; good thing I have this week to recover (and actually enjoy my new bike!).

2008 Suzuki GSX-R600 Review

Chemo Continued

2008-05-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

I started back on chemo (taxotere) today. Everything was pretty uneventful - went it went really smoothly. I was given benadryl so I slept most of the time I was there (about an hour and a half).

Nothing much more to report about, I'm doing well and no longer worried about the possible mets to my liver. I'm keeping myself occupied with lots of other stuff which helps me cope with that bad news. So far I've been watching lots of movies on and from Netflix ('Star Trek: DS9' and 'House, MD' as well as other stuff). I've also been shopping for motorcycle insurance since I'm pretty sure I'll be buying one soon (a Suzuki GSX-R600). So far the lowest I've been able to find is about twice as much as my car insurance. Yikes! The part that costs the most is the comprehensive and collision; it would only be around $300-$400 a year without these.

Doctors, Doctors

2008-04-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

I got my voice partially fixed yesterday (if you didn't know, my voice has been hoarse since surgery). What they did was inject (through my neck!) some collagen in my left vocal cord since it no longer moves (most likely damage from surgery from what I was told). Boy, it was a really weird sensation talking for 30 mins after the injection. The solution is only temporary, lasting about 3 months and if my voice hasn't gone back to normal by then I'll need to get another operation to fix it.

Today I had a meeting with my oncologist (as planned). He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but just tried to comfort me a little saying that it was way too small to even see on the CT and only visible on the PET scan. I'll start chemo next week. In about two months I'll have another scan.

PET/CT Scan Results

2008-04-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

I saw the images on the CDs and read the radiology report. I read it multiple times just to make sure. It's not good news at all. According to the report, "there are three new hypermetabolic liver lesions..., highly suspicious for metastatic lesions". To say the least, I'm quite upset and felt nauseous immediately after reading that sentence. It makes me wish that I didn't read the report at all, and instead waited until my oncology appointment. I just had surgery two months ago to remove it and now it's back?!?!?

My oncology appointment is on Tuesday so I'll have a long talk with my oncologist about this.

Back To The ER

2008-04-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with extreme pain around my J-tube area - I've been having this pain for about 4 days now but nowhere as bad as today. I also noticed a day or two ago that there was a few drops of blood also around that area (as well as some puss) but didn't think nothing of it since it wasn't exactly gushing out (and one of my nurses said not to worry about it). But now I'm starting to really worry since the pain has increased and the tube appears to be stuck - before it could easily be pushed into or pulled out of my abdomen.

I lucked out this time - there was no waiting line for the ER when I arrived, Yay! I immediately got a room but still had to wait a while for a doctor to come and see me.

After an abdominal x-ray and an ultrasound with some blood tests, it was confirmed that my J-tube area was infected. More antibiotics for me....yuppie! They also replaced the J-tube which hurt like hell. =(

Surprise Birthday

2008-04-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I celebrated my 29th birthday (but it's actually on the 23rd). It was no ordinary birthday but a surprise birthday. And boy was it a surprise! LOL. My family, friends and co-workers were there at the restaurant ("The Odyssey" at Granada Hills) and I had no idea what-so-ever. I had a stunned look on my face; I thought I was just going to have a quiet lunch with my mom and sister. It was the best birthday ever! =)
I got the new "Guitar Hero III" for the XBOX and a 1TB hard-drive as presents. Thank you so much, guys!

Now onto another subject. I'm going to have another PET/CT scan on Tuesday to see if there's any cancer left in my body - there shouldn't be since surgery took it all out (knock on wood). I'll post the results on my blog and maybe even a video clip of the scan.

Cancer Links

2008-04-04T18:15:00.000-07:00

YOUNG ADULT CANCER FACTS

1. Cancer incidence in young adults has doubled over the past 20 years
2. 70,000 people ages 15-39 are diagnosed with cancer each year
3. Young adults with cancer have lower survival rates with respect to the geriatric and pediatric populations

There are many reasons there has been no improvement in young adult survival rates:

* Doctors don’t take young adult patients seriously because they are not in the typical demographic for cancer, brain tumors, or some other life threatening disease leading to delayed diagnosis.
* Lack of research - Young adult patients often are not eligible for studies (too old for pediatric studies or to young for traditional studies) and there are few studies geared towards the 15-39 age group.
* Entry level jobs with poor healthcare - young people are just starting out so the costs of healthcare are not a priority. Early detection/education about warning signs is essential.
* “Superman” complex - Belief that nothing could ever happen to a young adult patient. They think they are invincible! Early detection/education about warning signs is essential.

"I accept what is to come, but I cannot rid myself of a deep mourning for all those experiences -- college, marriage, children, grandchildren -- that will probably never be mine to celebrate. What solace I do find is in the knowledge that I have done everything I can to transmute this terribleness into something positive by showing as many people as I can how to endure it with a smile.

I don't believe you can ask for any more, but if I could ask for something, it would be to be able to go outside into the glorious spring air, feeling healthy and blissfully clueless as to how lucky I was for it, if only just for an hour."
--- Miles Levin
Wow. Just wow. You just gotta read his story.

And of course, Randy Pausch's Last Lecture is required viewing.

Did you order your

cap today?

More Chemo In My Future

2008-04-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting with my oncologist a few days ago discussing my current state after surgery. He pretty much summed up that everything I am going through is normal - the coughing, shortness of breath, tiredness, and some breathing issues. The thing is, I wasn't told this before surgery; oh well, at least its "normal" and will only have to deal with these symptoms for another 2-3 months.

My oncologist also recommended that I do more chemo (I'm guessing for another 6 weeks). And its not because of anything in my pathology report, which, by the way, he said was a "good" result. He said that its because that I'm mainly young and could handle it - that he'd like to be as aggressive as possible. I'm down with it. The problem that I have is that he's not totally sure that the chemo that I will take (called taxotere) would be effective. Sure, taxotere was what I was getting with radiation with successfully shrunk down the tumor, but he's not sure if it was the taxotere alone that was responsible for the shrinkage or the radiation. So I'll be taking taxotere with no guarantees that it would do anything. I remember my experiences with taxotere were pretty unpleasant - nausea, vomiting, tiredness, and the dreadful hair loss. I've grown back much of my hair since I shaved it many months ago and I just might have to do it again. Ug! Well, that'll be in 3-4 weeks or so. That's when I'm supposed to start my chemo treatments again. He first wants me to recover more from surgery before starting chemo.

As for everything else going on with me, I'm doing "ok' - better than 2 weeks ago, at least. The pneumonia is pretty much gone thanks to some antibiotics. I still cough quite a bit but not as much, my voice is still hoarse and barely understandable (which is extremely annoying when I have to talk to people), breathing is still a problem (I can't take in full breaths) which leads me to be easily tired. One bit of good news is that my resting pulse rate is down to the low 100s (from 130-140 many weeks ago).

I'm stating to do some easy exercises like stretching and slow walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I think this will help me improve my cardio and pulmonary systems, not to mention get rid of some depression.

Mentally, I've been just "hanging on" to what I can. I've been through bouts of depression (I think I need something stronger than paxil) but I try to fight it off with just going outside, watching movies, exercising, or playing some computer games. In the Kübler-Ross model of grief, I believe I'm at the mid-point of depression and acceptance. It's been over 7 months since my diagnosis and I thing I should be over it by now, don't you think? I guess it varies for different people. I frequently go back to the "anger" stage because I really think that "ITS NOT FAIR". And its not fair. But people always say "Life is never fair". Screw that! This is CANCER we're talking about. There is no justification for anyone to suffer through cancer - especially at a young age! Damnit! I already lost my father though lung cancer when I was 17. Talk about unfair?!? HOW UNFAIR CAN YOU GET? This is life and death we're talking about - this is serious shit.

I used to be a pretty fit person before cancer. I religiously went to the gym 5 days a week, ate pretty healthy, and felt great! At work my group used to run up and down the 16 floors of our building for exercise each day - I was the first one up every time. Now, I can barely manage the 3 floors at my apartment building and being out of breath - and this is taking a small break at each floor. That's just an example of some serious changes I have to contend with. I always prided myself on my physical abilities and of my good health before cancer, because as many say, no matter how bad things got, I'd always say "hey, I still have my good health". But obviously that no longer is the case. There is almost nothing for me to fall back on; something that I can really depend on, you know? And that is just plain UNFAIR, and angers me very much. I'm currently searching for replacements and so far I have my family, friends, and the people at my work that care about me.

(Please excuse all the bitching...)

Thank you all for your support.

...Live Strong...

1 Month Post Surgery

2008-03-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted to my blog - and for good reason: things have been going down hill the past two weeks and only now just beginning to see the light.

It all started two weeks ago on Monday. I suddenly felt extreme shallowness in breathing and experienced a constant pulse rate of 130-140. It happened almost instantaneous and I don't think it was because of anything I did. I thought I was going to faint! We went straight for the emergency room and AMAZINGLY didn't wait one minute before they took me in (my previous experiences with ERs usually take 4-8 hours to be seen). They had me do lots of tests which involved having a CT scan since one of the doctors thought that I could have a clot in my lung. Good thing that was not the case. Then they were beginning to think that it may be too much fluid around my heart which is causing constrictions around my heart muscle making it beat faster. Then the order for EKGs and an echocardiogram. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days then was discharged.

Several days after things did not improve and so I went back to the ER with the same symptoms - high pulse rate and fast, shallow breathing. I was seen right away by the ER team. I didn't get admitted this time, but just had more tests performed at the ER. I also had another echocardiogram - the problem was that it took the guy over 6 hours to come over to do the test. It turned out that he was at home sleeping and not listing to his pager.

Then just yesterdsay - still feeling quite crappy and now with severe coughs because of pneumonia - I went to my cardiologist for my appointment. He right away told me that I had to go to the emergency room and get myself admitted to the hospital. So I got a ride on the medical transport system (my first time being in an ambulance) to the ER. More tests an another echocardiogram. Lots of doctors are now starting to be concerned with the fluid around my heart, but the attending doctor of my case - which happens to be my surgeon, said that it is of no concern right now. Whew! This saves me from another operation to drain that fluid.

So right now I'm in the hospital resting and getting antibiotics for my pneumonia as well as getting my regular tube feedings. I'm also now just starting to eat regular food. Hospital food doesn't taste too bad if you haven't eaten in a while.

I just want to also thank everyone at Tandberg for their emails of support and cards and gifts form my old pals at UCSD! Thanks for the quilt, Trish! It looks beautiful. =)

...and thanks Eric for caring so such.

Two Weeks Post Surgery

2008-03-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

Things are going “OK” for the most part. I’ve been taking it really easy the last few weeks relaxing on my massage chair most of the day and walking down the hallways of my apartment every now and then. I don’t tend to get as tired and out of breath as before, which is good, but I still find it uncomfortable to walk – I feel ‘tightness’ around my abdomen (because of the incisions) so I tend to walk slow while leaning forward. There are other annoying inconveniences I have to deal with. For one, I’m chained to my feeding machine most of the day – 18 hours out of the day; and it’s so noisy that I have to wear ear plugs when I sleep! The worst part so far is that I’ve partially lost my voice (every time I try talking I feel like coughing). How I managed to phone my insurance, talk with EDD, talk to my doctors, and setup appointments is a near miracle. Pain is the other thing I have to deal with. The first two weeks I had no problem with pain, but just this week I started to feel pain around my abdominal incisions. I’m taking vicodin which helps.

One bit of good news is that I finally got my Jackson-Pratt drain removed from my neck after my surgeon finally cleared me to start a liquid diet by mouth. I can finally start drinking water!! Yay! It feels great to finally get to taste food again, albeit liquid. By Monday I should be able to start soft-solid foods! So far swallowing liquids isn’t any different than before surgery. I’ll let you all know how it goes with solid foods.

I also received final news on the pathology report of my esophagus. The tumor went through all layers of the esophagus but was shrunk to within the walls by chemo-radiation. Preliminary results which I received last week noted no lymph nodes affected, but further tests showed that one lymph node had cancer in it. All margins were clear so they’re pretty confident that they got everything. Now all I need to worry about is a re-occurance.

1 Week Post Surgery

2008-02-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

I finally got to go home yesterday. In all, I stayed at the hospital for a total of 6 day – not bad at all considering what I’ve been though.

Things have improved little in the last few days – I still feel weak, not being able to breathe as deeply as before, neck ache, abdominal pain when I cough, muscle atrophy, throat pain when I swallow my saliva. In all, it feels like I’ve been run-over.

But things are going as expected, I guess. Its just really, really rough right now.

They currently have me on tube feedings through my j-tube almost all of the day. I have an appointment next week for them to determine if there are any leaks when I swallow liquids. If that goes ok then I’ll go on a liquid diet for several days then to soft foods after that. I’ll gradually lower my tube feedings when I take on more food by mouth

- total of 9 incisions (2 1-inch side incisions for chest tubes, 5 0.5-inch port incisions, 2 4-inch incisions one in the neck and the other in the abdomen).

Before....

.... and after.

This is my esophagus that they removed with 25% of my stomach. Sorry if this grosses anyone out.

3rd Day Post Surgery

2008-02-24T20:06:00.001-08:00

It’s very unpleasant as I write this so I’ll make it quick. The operation was a success and I’m still alive. It took 10 hours in all – unlike the 4 hours I was told before-hand. I don’t remember all that much anymore of the surgery including the day after so I can’t comment much. The last few days, however, have been extremely tough. There wasn’t nearly as much pain as I expected – its been really well taken care of to where its nearly a non-issue. The biggest problem I currently face, though is breathing problems. It seems as though I can’t expand my lungs enough to take a full breath.

All Is well

2008-02-21T05:23:00.000-08:00

...few minutes later: now they tell me everything is OK. I'm all cleared with my insurance company. Yay!

....now I'm at the pre-op room and changed into the hospital gown. Oh how I love to wear these hospital gowns (being sarcastic).

Slight Mishap

2008-02-21T05:17:00.000-08:00

It is currently 5:15 near the admissions office at the UCLA hospital. Apparently when I arrived here they told me they have not yet cleared the surgery with my insurance company and that the secretary working on the case wouldn't come in until 9am. Ack!

The mix-up could have happened because I switched my schedule to an earlier time (my awesome surgeon called me up personally and asked me if I wanted an earlier time since his other patient canceled). I guess the other people didn't know about the time change.

Last Posting Before Surgery

2008-02-20T19:48:00.000-08:00

I've just finished my last set of pre-ops and I'm all set tomorrow morning for my surgery. Everything went well for my endoscopic ultrasound - my gastroenterologist says there was no endoscopic evidence of the tumor, which is good news and what I was expecting.

I also had a meeting with my clinical coordinator discussing the procedure in detail and what to expect before and after surgery. I must say the details of the aftermath of surgery were very disturbing for me and I'm still in shock that I'll be going through with this. For one thing, I didn't know that I'll have a drainage tube coming out of my neck for over a week! WTF!? I imagine there will be at least 3 more drainage tubes coming out of me and that I'll also be connected to a bag of liquid nutrition through my j-tube for 20 hours out of the day for a week. F**k! Oh yeah, and probably the worst part is another tube through my urethra going into my bladder! ACK! That's gonna hurt for sure!

Shit! Shit! Shit! I can't belive I'm actually going through with this!

I fucking hate cancer! Damn! This is so unfair! AHHHHRG! Shit! ....ok, I just had to vent of some anger.

Anyways, my surgery will start early tomorrow morning around 8am or so but I have to get to the hospital by 5am. I'll try to update my blog as soon as I'm capable of doing so after waking up... which will probably be a day after surgery.

Wish me luck!

Trip To Grand Canyon

2008-02-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

As for enjoying my last few days before surgery I spontaneously decided that my family and I visit the Grand Canyon. It was one of the two things I had in mind doing before surgery - the other was purchasing a $9k GSX-R600 Suzuki sports bike (my dream bike). My mom and sister convinced me that now was probably not the right time for spending all that cash. And even though I wanted to get that bike so much, the thought of spending that much makes me sick more than chemotherapy. One of these days I will have that bike. My precious….

It’s not the first time I’ve visited the canyon. The last time was about 12 years ago and only spent about 30mins viewing the canyon before heading towards Sedona, Arizona. This weekend, however, was the full experience (well, for the most part). We left Saturday morning at 11am – just 2 hours after I decided to head down there. I drove the WHOLE way there with two stops for gas – a total of 500 miles in about 9 hours (there was traffic). That’s a new record for me; I’m surprised of my driving endurance (all without coffee!!). We arrived about 8pm (that’s 9pm Arizona time) or so and spent the night at the Holiday Inn. We had dinner at the “Coronado Room” at the Best Western Hotel (it was one of only two places that was still open!). Dinner was great (I had the Filet mignon) but the temperature outside was literally freezing cold. I was not prepared at all. All I wore were shorts and a T-shirt. Luckily I always have a sweater in my car handy. It was about 30 deg. F. and there was snow and ice just about everywhere. Ok, I didn’t mind the cold that much – and I enjoyed the snow. I consider the snow to be the highlight of my trip (well, after the canyon, of course) since I haven’t seen snow in so long. I felt like a kid again stomping on a pile of snow. LOL.
\
The next morning we headed out to the canyon’s south rim – the most popular spot for the canyon. And boy was it packed! The only parking spots left were handicap. Thankfully, California considered me to be a cripple and awarded me a handicap placard. You can’t imagine how much time that placard has saved me in finding and waiting for parking spots. Just about everywhere I parked around the canyon I used the placard because there was no other place to park! Hey, I deserve it after what I’ve been through,

The views of the canyon were unquestionably spectacular. The touch of snow around the canyon just made it that much more fabulous. I tempted fate several times by leaning over ledges – hey, it’s what makes me feel alive inside. I find myself to be more of a risk taker since being diagnosed with one of the worst cancers there is. And I’m ok with that. My mom, however, is not. After spending a few hours gazing the beauty of the canyon (and slipping on the slippery ice on the trail), we had lunch at the famous El Tovar lodge/hotel. Great dining experience with a fabulous view of the canyon a few hundred yards away. What takes the cake though is our 1 hour helicopter tour around the canyon. It was awesome! Not only was it my first helicopter ride, but we were going over the canyon itself! It was expensive as heck, but I guess it was worth it for the experience. A truly memorable experience that no one would forget. Next time: water rafting on the Colorado river!

Esophagectomy In 7 Days

2008-02-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

Weight: 135
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

Well, looks like I'm going to go through with it after all. The surgery is scheduled for next week on 2/21! I have 7 days before my life will forever be changed...hmmm, I'm not sure how to spend that time, but I'll think of something special. I also have pre-operative tasks to complete next week before surgery - pulmonary function test, another endoscopic ultrasound, and an EKG. All of that is just to prepare me for surgery....fun, fun, fun, heh.

I'm not as worried about surgery as before (most likely from all the medications I'm taking), so I'm not too anxious or depressed over it (just a little). Talking with my surgeon helped a lot in calming me down and this surgery is certainly the best course for me to avoid re-occurance.

Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted.

...thanks for the card, Linda B! =)

Thinking Of Not Going Through With It

2008-01-31T07:24:00.000-08:00

Weight: 126 (lowest: 121)
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 7/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

Its really starting to hit me now. My surgery is getting closer and closer each day and I've been having LOTS of anxiety over it. Its making me quite depressed and its just tough going through with this.

I've been thinking of not going through with the surgery. I can't seem to deal with the aftermath of it: removal of my entire esophagus and 1/3 of my stomach, having my stomach stretched and making a new esophagus out of that, dealing with a J-Tube (feeding tube directly in my intestine for several weeks). I'll also have to deal with the life-long change of eating smaller meals - meaning losing more weight.

I know the consequences of not going through with it are pretty dire. But is the small percentage of recovery worth it for that much suffering?

I've been reading other people's stories online, here is what they have to say:
http://www.esophagealcancer.org/cancerstory.html
http://cancerguide.org/emitchell_story.html

I have a meeting with my oncologist today so I'll be asking him what he thinks of me not going through with surgery.

Some Serious Insomnia

2008-01-30T06:50:00.000-08:00

Weight: 126
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 0/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

I haven't been sleeping much lately - for the past 6 days, actually; only about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Why? It's because of my impending surgery. I just can't stop thinking about it. Its always on my mind and its driving my crazy. I'm taking some medications to help calm my down as well as some relaxation teas and they seem to work ok. But just imagine how serious this surgery will be!!! Maybe I'm thinking that it'll be more than it really is and that I'm just worried for nothing. But I admit - I'm a BIG wimp when it comes to this surgery. I'm not afraid of the actual procedure or even dying on the table - I'll be asleep the whole time and without pain. But what I am afraid of is waking up after and the next 6 days of stay in the hospital. I hate staying over at the hospital. I'll have tubes and wires all over me - I'm so damn scared! ARG!!

Cancer Music

2008-01-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

Weight: 125
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 2/10

As promised, here's my compiled list of tracks that I now often listen to. My "Cancer Fighting Music". I highly recommend these tracks to lift up your spirits when your down.

Russell Watson - Where My Heart Will Take Me
- Theme of "Star Trek Enterprise"; very, very, very inspiring. The big bonus is that its from Star Trek!!!

Diana Ross - I Will Survive
- Nuf said.

Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger
- pumps me up

Smashing Pumpkins - A Killer In Me
- luv the pumpkins. Title fits quite nicely in my situation. I feel like I need to remind myself of this.

Naughty By Nature - Everythings Gonna Be Alright
- oldie but still very good. Its about surviving in the worst of times. Also very inspiring.

Bette Midler - From A Distance
- I just LOVE this song.

Scandal - The Warrior
- Quite upbeat.

Refreshments - Down Togther
- Very playful, upbeat

Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
- I feel like I'm flying with Tom Cruise on this one. =). Its also upbeat.

Mariah Carey - When You Believe
- Gives hope in hopeless situations. Just believe.

Bobby Mcferrin - Don't Worry Be Happy
- I worry WAY TOO much. Too bad this guy doesn't mention cancer in the lyrics.

2Pac - Changes
- My man 2pac. I feel his passion to the letter. I need some change in my life.

Let me know if you know of others that should be on this list...

The Good And The Bad

2008-01-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

Weight: 124
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 5/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10
Medications: none

I'll start with the good news first since that seems to be quicker to get out of the way. I just got an email from my oncologist last night regarding my latest PET/CT scan (which was done last Thursday). The prognosis is that the tumor has shrunk. Yep, certainly good news! Looks like the combo of radiation and Taxotere/5FU did the trick. I haven’t read the doctors' report yet like I usually do with my PET/CT readings so I don’t know exactly how much it had shrunk. All I know is that there was significant shrinkage but the tumor is still there (but at least has not spread). This means that I’m pretty much guaranteed surgical resection in the very near future.

So that’s the good news. The bad news, however is that I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and been crying spontaneously throughout the day. I’m not exactly sure why I’m depressed – perhaps it’s the fact that I now have to face surgery. Waking up with tubes and wires connected all over my body with cuts to my abdomen and neck not to even mention the pain that I would experience scares me half to death. The 6-week recovery after surgery is also very disconcerting to me. I can't imagine going through with that kind of situation. I even considered not going through with the surgery since it sounds that bad to me. I realize though that it would be very foolish of me not to go through with it.

Its so easy for everyone else to say "stay positive", but you guys don't know just HOW DIFFICULT my situation is. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. I'm amazed I've made it this far. God help me survive the 6-week hell I'll be going through.

Learning To Forgive Myself

2008-01-25T17:21:00.000-08:00

Most people who develop cancer usually don't know what caused them to develop cancer. There are some situations, however, like smoking that increases the chances of lung cancer. But for the unfortunate, cancer just comes without a warning and no provocation. Its no surprise that such people often wonder what they did in their past that might have triggered their cancer. I'm no different. I have a very, very good theory as to my own cause of cancer.

As most of you know, I'm a pretty shy person and quite introverted at times. This was especially true during my teen years. While most kids usually go to parties or whatever, I'd usually be stuck either at the computer hacking away, watching Star Trek, or busy building electronic circuits (one of my other hobbies). Its the latter that I think caused my disease. I loved playing with electronics when I was a kid and it eventually grew to a serious hobby where I would end up making my own circuit boards. Radio Shack used to be shop of choice back then (now its Fry's Electronics - obviously) =). Don't worry, it doesn't get nerdier than this. If your new to electronics, creating your own circuit board requires the use of an echant which would etch away some copper to reveal connections on the board. Ferric Chloride is one popular etching fluid. Well, one day while I was working I accidentally spilled the whole bottle of the stuff on my room's carpet - just totally saturating it. I tried to soak up most of the stuff but it was tough to get out. I ended up covering it with a rug so that my parents wouldn't find out what happened (that stain could not be removed). I left it that way for months - I'm not exactly sure since its been so long about (it could even have been years). Whatever what was left started fuming up in my room so much so that it left a dark stain on my ceiling right above where the stain on the carpet was. I was breathing in those toxic fumes while I was sleeping for months or years! I never thought nothing of it. Cancer never crossed my mind.

Although there is no fact saying that ferric chloride causes cancer (in fact, there is a report that says the opposite), it certainly is highly toxic. This is the only thing I can think of that would cause my cancer. And it was all my fault. And now, I find it extremely difficult to forgive myself of my mistake back then.

Its true that what's done is done...but I still keep thinking about it. It is now time for forgiveness, which will take time.

Feeling Great

2008-01-25T13:34:00.000-08:00

Weight: 124
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 1/10

I think I developed a dependency to the Fentenyl patch that I've been using for such a long time. I stopped using it about 4 days ago and now my heart-rate is always in the 100s and I have rapid breathing. I also have had a hard time sleeping at night and as wikipedia puts it: "sensations in the legs (and occasionally arms) causing kicking movements which disrupt sleep". So you can probably tell that my pain has stopped since I stopped taking the Fentenyl patch - I'm so relieved, I almost feel like my old self again. Another good news about stopping the Fentenyl patch is that I no longer have constipation - no more waiting 5 days for a bowel movement; I can finally poop again, Yay!

I didn't get a good night sleep last night but for some strange reason I felt great when I woke up. I actually felt really, really good. I almost cried, seriously. Its strange, I know. I felt so great that I just started cleaning up the apartment and getting things straghtened out while listening to "Wham - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"; ya just gotta love George Michael!!

At Least ChemoRadiation is Over

2008-01-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

Weight: 124.7
Pain: 3/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10

As some of you may already know, I had to spend New Years at the hospital. I was admittted on 12/31 and stayed for 3 days. It was not a pleasant experience at all. Besides having to share the room with another patient, I had to deal with their awful dried-up cafeteria food. I was also hooked up to an IV for those 3 days getting fluids which is a pain to deal with whenever I had to get out of bed. I felt shackled to the IV which caused a lot of phycological stresses in my body. Its hard to explain what I felt like, but I'll try my best. I felt restless in my bed part of the time, especially when lots of blankets are over me - then I'd feel claustrophobic. I also had the sensation of uncontrollable salivary fluid production causing me to swallow in a weird way since I was very hesitant in swallowing my own saliva. It also affected my speech. Very strange experience. This was probably physiological to some degree. That has so far been my worst hospital experience to date. I still feel restless and anxious even now sometimes. I can get very uneasy.

Lately though I'm doing a little better but still feel crappy. I spend most of my time in bed, which is ok to some degree, but I think I'm over doing it. I feel almost half-awake when I'm awake and feel nauseated half the time. I still vomit quite a bit although not as much as when I was at the hospital. I've been going a lot of worrying and crying as well with my close family members. It feels great getting things out in th open, even though things may not even be solved.

The thing that worries me the most is whether I'll make it through this and if so how much pain will I have to endure. Surgery is the last battle for me, and will be the toughest of the three.

Currently though, my daily struggles are as basic as eating and finding the energy to do simple things (like update this blog). I'm taking lots of pain medications including the fentenal patch which pretty much makes me tired all the time. I'm taking the pain medications because I get severe pain when eating - which I assume is from the radiation. Its a little bit worrisome because one of the radiation oncologist told me that there isn't any pain receptors where I've been radiation so he's not sure why I'm experiencing this pain. What else can it be? I'm just worried that the pain might be elsewhere where it should not be. Anyways, it is hell going through suffering like this everyday - it really stresses my body out and I just find myself breaking down at times crying. Its tough, really tough. Finding ways to cope with it have been partially successfull - my mom and sister are great when it comes to support. I feel like I'm even more closer to them then ever before. I love them so much. I'm also still going to the support groups, which helps to a limited degree - it feels comforting to know that other people are going through the same kinds of struggles as I'm going through as well - that I'm not alone in this.

My daily activities have been quite limited because of what I've been going through - mainly because of the pain and fatigue. I pretty much sleep and eat and go on short walks.When I can, I go on the treadmill and walk even more or go somewhere scenic and walk there. I also stretch - as much as I can I try to avoid muscle atrophy. I miss doing my regular activities, however, like going to work and having a "normal" life.

Yes, I miss all you people at work - all you BBTV folks, you're still on my mind.

Almost There

2007-12-27T11:38:00.000-08:00

Weight: 130
Pain: 3/10
Nausea: 4/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 5/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 2/10
Medications: Fentanyl Patch, Vicodin, lots of others

Its been a while since my last posting so I guess another is needed; that and because people keep asking me "How I'm doing?" a lot.

Well, I'm kind of OK. I feel a lot weaker than before which is probably because I'm not as active (I don't walk all that much, although I try). I've also been losing some weight - I think its about 5 pounds in 2-3 weeks. Its been hard getting enough nutrition since my nausea has returned (although not as severe as before), and because of the pain that I get from swallowing food. I don't get the sensation of food getting stuck in my esophagus much anymore - which is probably a good sign. But it does hurt when food passes that part; its all the damage done from radiation.

So getting enough calories is a problem. The supplements that I've bought (Ensure, Bene-calorie, Boost) all pretty much make me vomit. They taste disgusting. Since I just had an infusion yesterday things are making me more nauseous than usual. I think milkshakes from Jack-In-The-Box would be much better for me, plus I know they taste a whole lot better.

Without the pain medications that I'm getting I would not be able to go through with the treatments. The Fentanyl patch works wonders - its the best pain management solution I've ever had - better than morphine or vicodin. I'm using a dosage of 50 for the patch. The dosage is from 12.5 all the way to 100. So I'm about half-way from the maximum dosage which is a lot of pain control. There are some side-effects with the patch, though. As with lots of other pain control meds, there is the side-effect of constipation. So yeah, I've been taking lots of laxatives lately. There is also the side-effect tiredness. I feel pretty tired and get lazy easily which just makes my body atrophy; I can feel the weakness all over me. But I think I'm slowly recovering since I'm starting to walk on the treadmill again. I've also noticed that I've been quite sensitive to sounds and light. I feel much better in quite and dim environments. This is probably another side effect from the patch.

I spoke with my radiation oncologist not too long ago and she told me, to my surprise, that I only had 7 more treatments to go. Thats 7 week-days of treatments. So in a little over a week I'll be all done with radiation and chemo. Yay! After that, I'll have about 2 weeks of recovery than another PET scan. And everything looks good, I'll have surgery 2-3 weeks after that.

Dude, Where's My Hair?!

2007-12-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

Weight: 135
Pain: 0-7/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Fentanyl Patch, Vicodin

My hair loss has accelerated in the last week, so much that running my fingers through my hair would usually net about 30-50 hairs. Its also been annoying to clean up the hairs around my pillows and other places where I rest my head. So I decided to shave all of it off. The result is not as bad as I thought; I actually look pretty good! See for yourself...

Pain Medication That Works

2007-12-16T19:36:00.000-08:00

Weight: 135
Pain: 0-5/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Fentanyl Patch, Vicodin

I finally got my hands on some pain medication that actually works! The best one is the fentanyl patch which I wear on my skin for 3 days straight (read more about it here). They say its about 80 times as potent as morphine! Wow. The other drug, which you all probably know about is vicodin. I take this drug when I need instant pain relief - like before eating. What I do is crush the tablet and make it into a powder then mix it with water. This not only makes it easier for me to ingest, but also seems to make it easier to absorb into my system.

I'm continuing with my daily radiation treatment but may have to wait a little while before I start again with chemo.

Back To Work For The Last Time

2007-12-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

Weight: 135
Pain: 7-10/10 without medication, 0-3 with temporary medication (radiation site)
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 2/10
Medications: Prilosec, Fentanyl Patch 25, lindocane formula

The nausea is pretty much gone but what took its place is extreme pain. I had an endoscopy while at my stay at the hospital and they found ulcerations at the radiation site. Obviously, this is whats causing the pain. I was connected to a PCA device at the hospital, which helped with the pain only a little. For those that don't know, a PCA is a device which releases morphine and the release is controlled by the patient.

It seems like I can't stress enough how bad the pain is. I even get pain from drinking water and a little pain from swallowing my saliva. I can't eat solid foods - that'll make things even worse. I on a complete liquid diet - or very soft foods like pudding/jello or the like. And yes, even those cause pain on a level from 7-10. The only things that seems to help is Tylenol (which causes pain when taken), and the lindocane formula (contains maalox, lindocane, benedryl). This serves to numb my esophagus and does a very good job. But, it only lasts as long as I don't drink/eat after I take it; otherwise it washes most of it away.

I'm at work right now getting some of my things and turning in some forms since I'm going on disability. I don't know how long I'll be out but it'll be a minimum of 3 months. They say they'll save my seat. I hope so =). My life depends on it. The insurance is doing a good job of taking care of the tab.

Hospitalized

2007-12-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

Weight: 135
Pain: 7/10
Nausea: 8/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 6/10

I have to keep it short because I don't feel well at all. Even worse than last time. I've been hospitalized at SM hospital and will stay here for 3 days because of extreme pain and nausea.

Nothing is staying down in my stomach for long - I usually throw up and sometimes even with water. I feel hungry and I know I'm starving myself but there doesn't seem to be any choice - I throw up and that causes a lot of extreme pain which lasts for about 20 minutes. All of this because of two weeks of radiation treatments; I don't think the new chemo has anything to do with it.

The other thing I wanted to add is that the waiting time is pretty extreme - about 9 hours from the time I walked in the ER to actually being admitted into my own room.

Not Feeling Well

2007-12-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

Weight: 135
Pain: 3/10
Nausea: 9/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

So its been two weeks since I started my new regimen of chemo-radiation (I'm taking taxotere + 5FU and daily rounds of radiation). Its been very tough for me since last week and seems like things are getting worse (in terms of how I feel) because of the treatments. The worst part of it all is the extreme nausea when I eat and drink (even water!). A few seconds after I swallow anything I feel a strong urge to vomit and I find myself fighting that feeling and to keep the food down. None of the medications that were prescribed for nausea seems to work for me: Zofran, Compazine, Kytril, Atavan. It got so bad that yesterday I went to my infusion center without an appointment and told them what was going on with me. They had me on a saline drip since they thought that I could be dehydrated from all the vomiting, and a dose of zofran (which didn't really help). One of the doctors there prescribed another drug (I forgot what it was called), but it turns out that it was so expensive - $1000 for 20 tablets, that my insurance would only pay for it if they had "direct authorization from the doctor". I guess a simple prescription wasn't good enough. I'll have to wait until next week to straighten that out.

So yes, I feel like crap. Another thing that bothers me is the sore throat - probably because of the vomiting and the stomach acid. I don't know. But that is probably also responsible for the nose bleeds that I've been having since yesterday.

But I still have my hair.

First Day Of Radiation Treatment

2007-11-26T10:38:00.000-08:00

Weight: 137.8
Pain: 3/10 chest pains
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

I just had my first radiation treatment this morning. Everything went smoothly and quite routine - just as what I expected. The radiation part only took about a minute or two so I was in and out in just a matter of minutes. I just have to keep going back 5 days a week for the next 6 weeks - all with chemo at the same time. I imagine it'll be much more intense than my first chemo experience. I start my next chemo treatment tomorrow with taxotere.

I also received the results of the biopsy for my colonoscopy - everything is fine. The polyp turned out to be benign. No worries.

Result of Colonoscopy

2007-11-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

Weight: 136.6
Pain: 0/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0.0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: none

I had a colonoscopy yesterday due to suspicious activity in my colon as revealed in my last PET scan. I also had slight abdominal pain a week or two ago in the same area where that activity was. I had talked with my oncologist last week and he agreed that I should go ahead with the procedure (even though he said that it is highly irregular for esophageal cancer to spread into the colon).

The preparations for the procedure was quite uncomfortable - I had to spend most of the time in the bathroom. But I think the worst part was drinking the laxative - it tasted horrible, even when mixed with fruit juice.

The results of the procedure were mostly positive. The only abnormality was a small polyp in my colon which was biopsied; I won't know the results of the biopsy for several days. Polyps are quite common from what I hear and most of them turn out to be benign in nature, so I'm not too worried about it at all.

Second PET/CT Results

2007-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Weight: 136.0
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 5/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

So I had my second PET/CT scan yesterday. It was quite routine as usual - not much different than the first time around. The whole procedure took a couple of hours. An hour after I finished the scan, I requested CDs of the scan images and took a look at the results. My first impression of the images were quite depressing - it looked as though activity of the tumor site increased, but the size was about the same. I also noted lots of activity around my colon which scared the hell out of me as there was no such activity around that part in the first PET/CT scan that I got.

A few hours later, I read the radiology report and it said that the tumor was stable - no significant change at all; it also said that there were no other organs that were affected. The tumor is the same size (but there was noted increase in activity in the tumor as revealed in the PET scan). So I probably shouldn't worry about my colon; but the fact that I've been having intestinal issues for nearly a week might be something of significance added to the fact of increase in metabolic activity around that area. I'll notify my doctor in our next meeting.

After all I went through with chemo for 2 months and still no change - it really is quite disappointing. I expected so much more from what I've been through and to find out that nothing has changed its VERY depressing.

But at least it hasn't spread or gotten bigger. But it still sucks.

Busy Working on Project

2007-11-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

Weight: 136
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Imodium AD

Since I'm busy working on a personal project of mine, I decided not to write everyday in my blog. I will only write about important events related to my health from now on.

Made Appointment For Next PET/CT Scan

2007-11-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

Weight: 136.4
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

I have my next PET/CT scan appointment this Thursday. They'll know from the results if the treatment I'm getting so far has worked enough or if they'll need to tweak my treatments.

Lots Of Stomach Problems

2007-11-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

Weight: 136.2
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 3/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Immodium AD, Mylanta

I don't know why, but I think I feel worse today than I did two weeks ago - as if the drugs they game me on Tuesday were much more concentrated. The most annoying issues were gas and diarrhea which immodiam and mylanta mostly took care of. The other side effect that I still feel - even after 5 days of chemo - is tiredness. Its something that I just could not shake off.

Going For Nutritional Supplements

2007-11-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

Weight: 135.4
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 3/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin,

I feel like I've been losing a lot of weight lately - I've just hit my new low of 135lbs, down from about 142 before diagnosis. I'm gonna start myself on Ensure Plus and see if that'll help. I hear its very tasty and comes with different flavors. I can't wait!.

Tiredness Is Back

2007-11-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

Weight: 136.2
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 5/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 7/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Compazine

I was really tired getting out of bed this morning, but I managed to do it. I also did a 30 min. walk on the treadmill like I do almost every morning just to build up more energy (it really does help).

The feeling of vomiting every time I get close to food (and even thinking about it) is something that I have yet to overcome. I do take my anti-nausea pill, but that doesn't seem to get rid of the vomiting feeling.

But at least its a Friday....

First Support Group Meeting

2007-11-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

Weight: 136.4
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 5/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Compazine

I attended my first support group meeting at the Wellness Community. It was pretty much what I had expected - discussions of each of our "issues", sharing experiences, etc. It was a small group, even more so since some people were not in attendance. I was the youngest in the group, as well as the most recently diagnosed. Everyone else was at least a year into their fight and at least in their mid-thirties.

It was a valuable learning experience, and I certainly would do it again. The only thing though, is that hearing other's struggles does not exactly build up that sense of positive emotions that I really need. But its really about give-and-take, and I can deal with that.

Damn Car Would Not Start

2007-10-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

Weight: 136
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

The battery on my car died since I haven't used it for about a week (riding my motorcycle all that time). Now that I'm on my chemo week, I was expecting to use my car again. But no go; even jump starting it with my motorcycle didn't work - probably not enough cranking amps. I'll see if I can use my sister's car to jump start it tonight. Riding my motorcycle to work today drugged up with chemo while wearing my chemo pump probably wasn't a great idea, but oh well.

As for my health, I have begun to feel the effects of the chemo from yesterday. Slight nausea (which caused my to lose some of my breakfast this morning), slight neuropathy in my cheeks (causes pain when eating) and very slightly in my hands. I can only expect it to get worse in the next 2-3 days.

Oh yeah, Happy Halloween!! =D

4th And Last Infusion Before Radiation

2007-10-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

Weight: 136.4
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

Currently getting an infusion and they're still having difficulty with my port. I'm pretty much used to it now; I just gotta do the hokey pokey with my right arm every time the machine beeps with the message "occlusion".

Since this will be my last infusion before radiation starts, I will be getting a 3-week break from chemo. But, I'm supposed to get another PET/CT scan in about 2 weeks or so to see if the chemo is doing its job.

2007-10-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

Feeling a little better today from a very relaxing weekend. I'm hoping to do well tomorrow for my 4th Infusion - my last one before I start chemoradiation.

Relaxing

2007-10-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

Relaxing most of the day. Went to a friend's Halloween party that night. Lots and lots of sweets were offered, but I couldn't take them cuz we all know that sugar feeds the cancer cells.

Where Are All The Young Adult Cancer People?

2007-10-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

Weight: 136.4
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0.5/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

I attended a yoga class at the Wellness Center at Santa Monica. I was the youngest in the class - everyone else was at least 40. Where are all the young adult cancer people? I feel so left out.

The Wellness Community

2007-10-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.0
Pain: 1/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

The Wellness Community, as I've just learned, is an amazing place where people affected by cancer can come in and get support that they need. The place that I went to (the West LA community), has been decorated to function as a real home - not an office, not a hospital, but a place where you really do feel like being at home. The moment I stepped through the door I was stunned. I wasn't expecting a place like that to be so comfy and "home-y". But its certainly a very good thing. I'll definitely be going to that place pretty often. Tomorrow I'll be taking their "Easy Yoga" class. I can't believe all of this is for FREE!

I posted a new picture of my which was taken just today (its under the "About Me" section on the right). You can probably tell that my hair is thinning out...

Found A Support Group

2007-10-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Weight: 136.8
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 4/10
Tiredness: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

I'vce been doing some research on PlanetCancer.com and came to a link directing to "The Wellness Community". Not only do they offer support groups, but mind/body classes. To top it all off, they're local! I wish I had known about this two months ago. I'll be joining their "Welcome to Wellness" meeting tomorrow morning.

Need Some Inspiration?

2007-10-24T10:28:00.001-07:00

Weight: 137.0
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 3/10
Tiredness: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin

I had difficulty sleeping last night. I woke up around 3am and couldn't really fall asleep after that.

If you're looking for some inspirational music, try here. I miss the 80's....

2007-10-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.0
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Tiredness: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin

Portacath Dye Study

2007-10-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.2
Pain: 0/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Heparin flush

Currently waiting in the waiting room to get my port-a-cath dye study underway.

Its been about 5 hours later and I've been finally discharged. I didn't know it was going to take THAT long. Most of the time I was just lying on my hospital bed naked (except for a gown) waiting until someone would come in. Things finally started rolling after a nurse came over and accessed my port. I had two x-rays of my chest - one with my right arm down and the other with my arm up. The results of this revealed a slight kink when my arm was down. Surprisingly, the dye study which was performed after the x-rays revealed no kink in the catheter. The x-ray machine used in the dye study was one that generated a live-image video of my internals - which was pretty cool to see. So the end result is that there was really no problem with my port. What's probably causing the blockage, most likely, is due to a kink which is probably suspposed to happen since the catheter was inserted in the subclavical vein - instead of the jugular.

One of the doctors I met who was the radiologist was herself a cancer survivor three times over. I haven't personally met any doctors who themselves went through cancer treatments so that was quite an experience. I know that cancer does not discriminate at all, but just knowing a doctor who had it who is treating me makes me feel better.

The worst part out of all of this is that the nurses forgot to give my port-a-cath a heparin flush before removing the needle. This is very important as it can cause the port to clog up with blood rendering the port useless for chemo. Good thing I remembered and told them about the heparin. But isn't it sad that I had to tell them how to do their job?

2007-10-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.4
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 1/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin

2007-10-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Weight: 136.8
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 3/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

Music To My Ears

2007-10-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.4
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 3/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Compazine

Same level of tiredness as yesterday and also feeling dehydrated (even when I think I've drank enough water). I also feel a little warmer than usual - hopefully its nothing serious. Maybe its just the outside temperature.

Its 5pm and I'm still at work on a Friday. Just a few hours ago I was so tired that I had to step out of the office and take a short nap in my car - I could not function at all it was that bad. And If Mike is reading this (my boss), I'm just kidding. LOL. I'm guessing the tiredness is from my lower-than-usual blood counts from the chemo - especially red blood cells.

Well, I've been doing more research on ways to avoid the side effects and one that really works for me is music. I've read a report that claims a reduction of 30% in the symptoms caused by cancer treatments just from music therapy, which seems really impressive. For me, it might even be up to 50% depending on the track thats playing (I'm not kidding!). Its just all about matching the right track to my current mood at the time which isn't as easy. And it certainly helps a lot if you have a real appreciation of music to begin with.

I'm currently building up a playlist of the tracks that really do it for me, I'll post it up when I'm done with it (which might take some time). Stay tuned!

Now if only there was a way that Last.FM could keep track of your mood changes when playing a track...hmmm...

Feeling More Tired

2007-10-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

Weight: 140.0
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 3/10
Depression: 4/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 3/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, 5FU

Gonna get my chemo pump disconnected later today.
Tiredness has increased. Too tired/lazy to write anything else.

New Massage Chair Arrived

2007-10-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

Weight: 139
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 2/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, 5FU

Our massage chair arrived this morning - its an OSIM uHarmony purchased from BrookStone. The char is extremely comfortable, even when its turned off. This should help a lot dealing with my treatments.

As for the chemo, same side effects as last time, but I do notice an increase in tiredness.

Infusion #3

2007-10-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.4
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

I had a meeting with my oncologist this morning - everything is OK so far. I have one more infusion after this before I get another PET scan. After that, I start chemo+radiation.

There was some difficulty in my port again (like last time) - it seems like the catheter inside of me is kinked somehow and is preventing any fluids from coming in or out. The only way to unkink it, so far, is for me to turn my head a certain way and move my right arm in a certain direction. They might have to do a dye study on my port to find out exactly why its doing this.

Daddy's Got A New Pair Of Headphones

2007-10-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

Weight: 139.2
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

I decided to treat myself out last week and purchased a new pair of headphones and a headphone AMP since I consider myself to be more of an audiophile than the average person. I got myself a Sennheiser HD650 and a Mobile BitHead headphone AMP. According to many reviews these headphones are pretty much the best you can get. I can't complain, these sound fantastic, much better in sound quality than the Bose Tri-Port (although, I'd give the Bose headphones a slight edge on comfortability). My ears have never been closer to heaven. Wow!

Under Hypnosis

2007-10-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.2
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

I ordered an MP3 album from Amazon (their new MP3 download service) a few days ago titled "Mind-Body Healing (Volume Eight)" by the famous "Dr. Rick Collingwood". The sound is supposed to put you into a deep hypnotic trance while he gives suggestive words on healing.

My first session was great; I felt a little better after - more relaxed. The other sessions (you're supposed to listen to it once each day) didn't have as much effect, but I still enjoyed it nonetheless. I think I fall asleep half-way through the recording since I don't recognize certain parts of it when I fast-forward near the ending. But this is OK since it is your unconscious mind that does all the listening.

As for the "healing" it provides, we shall soon see...

I Have My Bike Again! Yay!

2007-10-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.4
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin, Imodium AD

Some new symptoms showed up, possibly from the chemo: I'm starting to get mouth sores and a little diarrhea. Although, the latter could be because of my antibiotics. And of course, my hair is still falling out but its hardly noticeable since I had thick hair to begin with. Maybe in a month it'll start to really show.

I moved my Ninja 250 from my mom's place over to the apartment. Here is what it looks like:

The car right behind it is my 2005 Toyota Corolla.

Shopping For A Bike

2007-10-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.4
Pain: 1/10 (slight abdominal pain)
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

I went to a motorcycle dealership today checking out the gixxers. I was looking towards getting a GSX-R750, but the sales guy convinced me to instead get a GSX-R600, since I've only been riding a Ninja 250. That's fine, I guess. Heck, I'll be saving myself $1100 in getting the 600cc.

While I would really like to get this bike, I don't know if the timing is right. I mean, I don't know if I'll be "well" enough to ride it when I start chemo-radiation in about a month.

The Price of Healthcare

2007-10-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.4
Pain: 1/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 1/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

I logged on to my account at United Healthcare (my healthcare provider) and found out the total cost so far for my treatments. Here it is:

Total charged: $41,520.93
Total paid by plan: $26,530.97
Total paid by me: $195.00

As you can see, the cost of nearly two months of treatment is quite a lot: $41k. What's surprising (to me at least) is how insurance companies get such a great deal - nearly half. I only had to shell out 0.0047% of the total cost (mostly in office visits). Wow! I'm glad I have insurance.

2007-10-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138
Pain: 2/10
Nausea: 0/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

Slight internal pain a little to the left of my right hip bone (adbominal area). Started maybe a few days ago and hasn't gotten worse, but hasn't really gone away either. It could be nothing, but I'll notify my oncologist about it.

As for the tests yesterday, more torture then I expected. First, I had 3 small tattoos (small dots) which required 3 pokes. Then, I had a mini CT-scan of my abdominal area (which required an IV through my arm - poke #4). Then, I needed a blood test for a pulmonary exam - this had to go through an artery on my wrist (ouch!); poke #5.

Yes, that was 5 needles in me yesterday. I think thats a record for me.

More Doctor Appointments

2007-10-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.8
Pain: 1/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0.5/10
Depression: 2/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

I'm off to see my radiation oncologist today to possibly get tattooed to mark the place where I'll be getting radiated. After that I'm going to for a pulmonary test (breathing test) to see how much my lungs expand so that they'll be able to avoid radiating it.

I've noticed another side-effect with my treatment - my skin on my face has gotten darker. At first I thought it was blackheads but now it looks as though its small, round internal bruises because I'm also getting it on my hands and fingers. My blood counts were normal at my last blood exam (which was last week) so I'm not sure what it could be if its not a side-effect of the chemo. My oncologist said that it is a possible side-effect so I guess I shouldn't worry about it too much.

2007-10-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.4
Pain: 1/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0.5/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

I'm concerned about my weight. 137 is a little too low for me from my usual weight of 141 pre-diagnosis. Since its my off-week from chemo I'll try to eat as much as I can.

2007-10-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.4
Pain areas: 1/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0.5/10
Depression: 3/10
Swallowing Difficulty: 4/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephalexin

My Ways To Avoid Nausea

2007-10-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

Weight: 137.8
Pain areas: 1/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 2/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Cephelaxin

More hair loss and more nausua today. This morning was particularly bad for
nausea - but again not as bad as the first round. One simple way that I found
that works to relieve nausea (besides the medication) is walking on the treadmill. I usually go for 1.5-2.0 miles at a walking pace on a slight incline (3.5mph). This seems to help me quite a bit dealing with these side effects, even if its temporary. And of course, its great for your health in general

I was also at the mall today I got myself a 20 minute session from an "aqua massage" (massage works by heated water jets). This was really relaxing - and almost as good as a traditional full-body massage. I like the way that you have control of the water pressure and even the location of where to apply the jets. The soothing music through the headphones was a big plus. I'll have to keep this in mind after my other chemo sessions.

The best method that I have, however, must go to riding my Kawasaki Ninja 250 motorcycle. Its been a while since I last rode him (1 month and 11 days ago - around the time of my diagnosis). And it was a total pleasure being back on the saddle; it instantly put a big smile on my face and made me completely forget
about my nausea and headache. If you're looking for a good starter bike, this is the one to get. No questions about it. The only downsides are that its not fuel-injected and a little slow, but you can lane-split like no other bike can.

The Hair Loss Begins

2007-10-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.4
Pain areas: 1.5/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 2/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Compazine, Cephalexin

I noticed this morning that my hair easily falls off if I wash it - or even if I were to run my fingers through it. I still have most of my hair, but I suspect that I'll end up losing most or all of it once I start chemo+radiation.

2007-10-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Weight: 139.6
Pain areas: 1.5/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 1/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol, Compazine

The nausea isn't as bad as it was 2 weeks ago, most likely because I've been taking compazine before I was nauseated. The side effect, though, is that I'm now more tired as usual - and sleeping doesn't really help. But I've ended up sleeping a lot today anyways.

Day After Round #2

2007-10-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.6
Pain areas: 1.5/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications:
1. Prevacid,
2. Vitamin E,
3. Multivitamin,
4. Tylenol
5. Fluorouracil 50mg/ml 100ml

I've noticed the same side-effects from round #1: slight sensitivity to cold and soreness in my cheeks right when I start eating. The nausea hasn't started yet, I expect it to start tomorrow.

Round #2

2007-10-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

Weight: 139.4
Pain areas: 1.5/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications:
1. Prevacid,
2. Vitamin E,
3. Multivitamin,
4. Tylenol
5. Prochlorperazine (Compazine) 10mg x1
6. Fluorouracil 50mg/ml 100ml
7. Leucovorin
8. Oxaliplatin

I'm here at the UCLA Oncology Center waiting to get another infusion. Hopefully it'll be better this time around: one of my cousins sent me several tubes of lidocaine (local anesthetic) - this should help a lot for the initial pain from the needle stabbing.

Update: My life flashed before by eyes. The nurses couldn't flush saline through my port - I thought the port had clogged up with blood! It turned out that the needle was closer to the edge than to the center of the port - so they had to stab me yet again - this time with a 1-inch needle. Ug!

Update 2: That second needle didn't work either. Another needle was needed. I'm begining to think that there is something really wrong with my port.

Well, it turned out that I just needed to move my right shoulder around for the fluids to start flowing - the catheter from the port was most likely getting cut off from my massive pectorals =). I'll know better next time.

2007-10-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Weight: 140.0
Pain areas: 1.5/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

Just An Ordinary Sunday

2007-09-30T17:03:00.001-07:00

Weight: 139.6
Pain areas: 1.5/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

Scan Result Postings

2007-09-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

Weight: 139.2
Pain areas: 1.0/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

The following are PET/CT scans of me taken on August 31, 2007. Now I can finally say that I have naked pictures of me on the internet!

I mentioned Randy Pausch a few days ago in my blog, but what I didn't mention is that he had his last lecture on September 18, 2007 at CMU. It was filmed and posted to Google Video and I highly recommend everyone to see it; that guy is amazing. Click here.

Got My PET Scans On CD

2007-09-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

Weight: 138.6
Pain areas: 1.5/10 (little aches all over)
Nausea: 0/10
General Attitude: Positive
Swallowing Difficulty: 5/10
Medications: Prevacid, Vitamin E, Multivitamin, Tylenol

I went down to UCLA Medical in Santa Monica to pick up my PET/CT scans on CD. WOW! The images I saw were amazing - especially the PET and CT overlaying images (they're in color!). I'll post up an animated GIF when I got the time.

If you would like to know more about PET/CT scans (and to see sample images), click here.

For an example of what EC looks like on that website, click here.